Surviving Adam

Yesterday was Adam’s 16th birthday.  As you can imagine it was a bittersweet day for us.  Many people reached out to provide comfort and to share their love for us and for Adam.  All of Adam’s classmates gathered together to share memories of him and to celebrate his life.  We are so grateful for these acts of remembrance and for having the opportunity to know and experience Adam.  As the pain of his loss lessens slightly it is replaced by a sense of confusion about who we are and what we are supposed to do with our lives now that one of the key elements has been taken away.

There are so many triggers to remind me of Adam but the ones that are most painful remind me of the things we were going to do.  It was my job to help him become a man and teach him independence.  It was a responsibility I took very seriously and now that role for me is no more.  I know that Anne and Ashley have expressed similar sentiments about their confusion regarding the future and how to live it without Adam.

I met a remarkable man who lost his son under similar circumstances.  he was a youth pastor at a local church at one point and was involved in heading a small group of teenagers that included his son.  When his son died he continued his involvement with the group.  This seems amazing to me.  His response was that he was already geared up to work with his son and others and it would have felt unnatural to do anything other than to continue.  Obviously, God was involved with this and provided him with a purpose to continue and I am sure this provided him great comfort.

Adam’s friends are important to me and I want to help them in any way I can.  I think this will ultimately help me more than hurt me but right now it is very hard to be around them without experiencing sadness and yearning for my son.  So many scriptures talk about loss and how God will fill the hole left in your life by the loss of a loved on but when you are in the midst of that loss it is easy to question how this could possibly happen.  We will continue to try and be strong and believe God’s promises but it is easier said than done.  We wait on God and trust in his love.

As I read through my previous blogs I realized that the tone is a little bleak.  Obviously there are good reasons for this considering what happened to Adam and to us but there is an underlying hope that I want to make sure is conveyed. 2 Timothy 2:1 says, “You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.”  This is obviously much easier to accomplish when you have not lost your son but as a believer in Christ I felt blessed before Adam took his life and still do.  God has done amazing things in my life and I am confident this will continue.  I wore this bracelet for several years before losing Adam and continue to wear it today knowing that nothing has changed.

Adam is and was a tremendous blessing in our life.  We had lost a previous child to a miscarriage and were so grateful when Adam was conceived.  The fact that he was going to be a boy made us even happier since we wanted the experience of raising a daughter and a son.  When Adam was born he came out in trouble and had to spend a week in Neonatal Intensive Care.  This made us even more appreciative to have him in our lives.  From the beginning he was such a sweet child.  Throughout his life he was nothing but loving to us and to others and obedient to us in every way.  There is a tendency when someone passes to review their life with hyperbole and overstate their virtues and understate their shortcomings.  I can promise you with Adam this is not the case. We were very fortunate to have him for the 15 years we did and we know this and are so grateful  We just wish it could have been longer.

My wife Anne and I were discussing some of her feelings around the loss and in response I was expressing my own biggest wish which is that he was still with us.  I miss him so much and there is so much I still want to share with him but I know that is impossible to do in the same way.  Nor would it be good for him to come back.  He is in a place now where he is perfect and knows no pain or fear and it would be wrong and selfish to want him back on the earth after he has experienced the glory of God’s presence.  A friend gave me a book titled “Room of Marvels” in which the main character expresses a similar sentiment so I know it is a common idea.

Without Christ in our lives I am not sure how we would deal with what has happened but because we do believe we have the comfort of knowing that Adam is with our Savior and that God has plans for us to get through this time.  We have been blessed with amazing friends who have prayed for us and done so much to help us which makes us feel loved.  We have each other which is so comforting.  My daughter has been an amazing pillar of strength for both me and my wife and has expressed such immense love for Adam it is like he is with us every day.

I know the pain of losing Adam will never leave my soul but I am confident that the Lord will bring hope into our lives and that the future holds amazing things for us.  We have been blessed to have Adam in our lives and with the friendships and love we continue to experience I know the Lord continues to minister to us in our grief and will bring us through this experience stronger and full of love for his creations here and in the next world.

It is only natural to wonder when you experience a tragedy like losing a child  what you did to deserve such a loss.  Unfortunately due to the fact that we are humans there are numerous things I can find in my life that I have done wrong.  It can be a brutal exercise to go through the inventory of the mistakes you have made and wonder if these shortcomings lead either directly or indirectly to the loss.  We have mega pastors preaching that if you live a righteous life that God will reward you with prosperity here on earth so it is reasonable to assume when bad things happen that you must have done something to cause it.

To be clear I am an extremely flawed person.  I don’t always follow God’s instructions and try and take things in my own hands.  I am judgmental and lack compassion for my fellow man.  I can be prideful and arrogant.  Sometimes I lack faith in God.  I do not spend my time in productive ways and do not take care of myself in a way God wants physically.  All of these things flash through my mind each day as I wonder if my shortcomings and failings caused Adam to take his life or if this is some sort of punishment by God because of how I have failed as a human being.

Scripture is very clear on this topic.  God made us and he understands we are broken.  That is why he sent his Son to take away our sins since he knew we would never to be able to overcome them on our own. I am reading a bible study that takes you through the entire bible in a year.  Ironically it just took me through Job.  While I am not comparing myself to Job the subject is very relevant.  God makes it clear that suffering  and tragedy are not related to our character or actions.  Everyone in the book assumes Job is being punished for his shortcomings and God lets them all know emphatically that this is not the case.

Sin can lead to suffering but it is more the result from doing the wrong things and suffering the consequences versus some sort of divine punishment.  I am suffering for my sins but that has little or nothing to do with what happened to Adam.  I pray God will forgive me and give me the strength to overcome my shortcomings and I ask for the courage to let Jesus into my heart to overcome my worldly ways.  I know Adam is now in Heaven with God and pulling for me so I don’t want to let him down.

There was a story about a princess of  Troy named Cassandra that angered the gods.  Her gift/curse was that she could see the future but no one would believe her when she told them what would happen.  It was a gift that would bring frustration and despair.  Sometimes as I look back over my time with Adam I feel like there was a voice inside me that had that same gift/curse. If I only would have listened or believed that voice maybe things would have turned out differently.

I can specifically recall thinking only a few days before this happened that I was blessed with a 15 year old son who actually wanted to spend time with me and that if I didn’t take advantage of this fact I would regret it.  By the time my daughter reached this age she wanted very little to do with me so I was acutely aware that this was an opportunity I was potentially missing. Edit: My daughter has requested I make note that she no longer feels this way and has been won over by my charm and wisdom. Unfortunately for me and perhaps Adam I did not act quickly enough on this thought.  As I reflect on our time together I tend to fixate on all the things we didn’t follow through on.  I look at all the sporting equipment and camping gear and my heart aches at the lost opportunities where I failed to engage with him and chose to do other things always thinking we would have time later.

I attended a book study with some guys from Austin Christian Fellowship.  They were finishing up on the last chapter of a book from Joyce Meyer titled How to Hear from God.  I was struck by a quote from the book, “Wisdom is doing now what you are going to be happy with later on.”  I always thought I was pretty wise but based on this definition I feel like a fool.

I know there is nothing I can do to change my life with Adam. I also know that my mind is probably fixated on the things we didn’t do rather than the things we did.  But I can promise you I would definitely not be feeling regret today over spending too much time with my son versus less.  I just keep going over the lost opportunities where I procrastinated because I was too tired or too busy or distracted by other things that now seem meaningless.  All I can say is listen to that voice in your head and you won’t be sorry.  I am going to make sure to honor my son by not repeating that mistake going forward.  There is nothing worse than knowing what to do and not doing it.  That may be worse than the curse Cassandra bore.

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram then you know that most of my posts are dominated by the antics of our dogs.  I often wonder how Adam could have left behind his loving pets from whom he derived so much joy.  I think it is another illustration  of where he was at mentally when he made his decision.  These dogs have been such a comfort to us.  They are incredibly empathetic and I know they miss Adam like we do.  This is actually a picture from Ashley’s room where they spontaneously climbed up on her bed and laid on two items Ashley keeps from Adam’s room.

It may seem strange but I do sense God’s presence through these animals and often consider them a gift from him.  I start to wonder about their ability to be with us  when we pass on to Heaven.  I can’t imagine Heaven being Heaven without my dogs and interestingly enough apparently I am not the only one who has thought about this.  I came upon a chapter in C.S. Lewis’ The Problem of Pain titled Animal Pain where he discusses the possibility of our tame pets achieving immortality through their association with us.  Specifically,he writes” “Supposing as I do that the personality of the tame animal  is largely the gift of man-that their mere sentience is reborn to soulhood in us as our mere soulhood is reborn to spirituality in Christ- I naturally suppose that very few animals in their wild state attain to a self or ego.  But if any of them do, and if it is agreeable to the goodness of God that they should live again, their immortality would also be related to man..”  Much like Lewis I believe our animals are a part of us and that as we were tasked at the beginning as their overseer it will be so again in Heaven.

I take comfort that Adam is with my dogs that preceded him.  Bailey was alive for most of Adam’s life and I am sure she greeted him with a lick when he went to be with our Savior and that they now spend time throwing frisbees and waiting for us. When these two precious dogs and Buddy our other sheltie leave this world they will find Adam eagerly waiting to embrace them.

Several years ago some friends from our church lost their son to suicide.  He was a couple of years older than our oldest daughter Ashley and she knew him a little from school.  They had been in a small group with us for about a year but the group had ended so our contact was mainly nodding to each other at church.  The mother had also been in Stephen Ministry with me so I would see her weekly at the meetings.  We were all deeply affected by his passing.  Like Adam he was very well liked and seemed to have enormous potential for an amazing life.  I participated with the other Stephen Ministers (A Peer Counseling Group) to help the congregation deal with this terrible loss.  I spoke to the family a couple of times but honestly I didn’t know what to say and was afraid of saying the wrong thing even though I had received extensive training on grief counseling.  I am ashamed to say we just didn’t offer them much comfort at the time. I just didn’t know what to do to help them.

When Adam took his life this husband and wife were one of the first to show up on our door.  I find this an amazing testament to them and to God who knew exactly what we needed and when.  They have been a great source of comfort to us and have even gone so far as to take over hosting responsibilities for our foreign exchange student. The father expressed to me that during this process I would be surprised about who was really good at providing comfort and who wasn’t.  At the time I found this to be a curious comment but now I understand.

Some of those closest to us remain silent and removed while people I regarded as acquaintances have stepped in and made a concerted effort to stay in contact and to encourage us in our recovery from our loss.  I now look back at my lack of engagement with this family and I understand what those around us feel.  They don’t know what to say and don’t want to cause us further pain so they avoid contact.

When this first happened we were overwhelmed with people reaching out and providing meals and coming to visit.  Now it has dwindled down to a few stalwarts.  Life goes on and most people have resumed their normal life and this is perfectly understandable.  But I now know what this other family knew.  There is nothing anyone can say that will make us feel any worse than we do and we certainly appreciate the efforts and words of encouragement when they come.  Texts, phone calls, emails, cards any type of gesture is received with gratitude.  I wish I had known this so that I could have been a better friend.  Now I do and I will.

It is tempting to go back to happier times and trace how we ended up here and maybe in time that is what I will do. However for now I think we will start at the memorial service for Adam so that I can capture my thoughts at the time and the amazing tribute to Adam’s short but impactful life. The ceremony was at a church here in Austin called Hill Country Bible.  My daughter tells me there were about 400 people in attendance but I don’t know for sure.  It was a diverse group from his school and church and many of our friends and my daughter’s.  God spoke through us and used us to express the meaning and impact of Adam’s life.  His friends and some teachers spoke and the Pastor for the ceremony was his youth Pastor at the church.  Here is a link to the service if you would like to see it.  https://vimeo.com/189843812 ,  the password is adam.  I also wanted to capture my remarks from the ceremony here.  This is the speech I wrote with God’s help shortly after Adam left this world.

I think it is somewhat ironic that on the day my son decided to take his life that we were planning on hosting a meeting with some of Adam’s friends to discuss Christian Manhood.  The plan was to meet monthly from now until these boys graduated from high school and went off to college.  Adam was very excited about this meeting and had mentioned it to me several times so I know he was looking forward to it.  I have to admit I was pretty nervous about what I was going to say.  I had found a book called The Road to Character I wanted to read with the boys but I wasn’t ready yet to start that.  Then I remembered a poem I had read in high school called “If” by Rudyard Kipling.  I thought this would be a great way to kick things off so I was planning on printing a copy before our meeting and then reading it to the boys and discussing.  That wasn’t meant to be.  I found Adam that night before the meeting and we never got the chance.

I do not know what the future holds.  I hope I get the chance to be involved in these boys lives.  Their friendship with Adam means the world to me and with his passing they feel like my children too.  I felt it was important that I share this poem especially since I have learned that Rudyard Kipling , a famous writer from England who wrote stories like “Jungle Book” had suffered losses as a father that impacted his writings.  This poem I am sharing was written from a father to a son.

 

I would like to share this with Adams’ friends as I was planning to do the night he died.

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

 

Much like the name of the poem I have ifs in my mind about what happened with my son.

If only I had been a better father

If had spent more time with him

If I had prayed with him more

If I had been a better Christian

If I had told him I loved him more

If I had taken more interest in his life

Then maybe this would not have happened.  I am certain there are people here who feel the same way.  But please understand that there is no way we will ever know why this happened until we are with the Lord and then it won’t matter. I actually found a paper that Adam wrote that I think comes as close as we can get to comprehending what he was going through.  In Adam’s own amazing words “”Mental suffering involves feelings including fright, anxiety, stress, and depression.  These are feelings that are inevitable at one point or another in life.  Mental suffering can not only cloud minds of reason and rational thought but can stop the individuals who suffer with these symptoms from seeing the glory of God’s teachings.”

Obviously Adam was suffering and his act was not rational.  Anyone who knew Adam recognized how special and caring he was.  He was a pure spirit filled with unconditional love for others.  This made him vulnerable to the pain and meanness of this world.  He would never want to cause others harm or pain but ironically it was this special nature that led to him causing us all the ultimate pain.  Please forgive him for this as I have because we know as he said in his writings the pain made him incapable of fully grasping how loved he was and what his exit from this physical world would do to us all.

I now understand thanks to Adam that I was focused on the wrong things, status, wealth, popularity and in my love for Adam I wanted him to have these things too.  I will never see the world the same way again and my hope is that you never will either.  Adam is now with our Savior and he is perfect and free of pain and he would want us to remember him by treating others as he did.  If you wanted to be Adam’s friend he was yours and if you were Adam’s friend you are mine.  I will live the rest of my life facing the Lord and looking forward to the day when Adam and I will be reunited with Christ.  I take great comfort in this.

My wife Anne, my daughter Ashley and myself have been amazed with the outpouring of love since Adam’s death.  People we have not seen for years have come to our house and prayed with us and shared in our grief.  I have a new respect for God’s creation, man and am heartened by the love and kindness we have experienced.  My love for my wife, daughter and son has never been stronger and my love for the Lord is overflowing.  We want to thank you all and it is our fervent hope that you have been touched by our son and will live your lives differently now and love each other like he loved you.

It is hard to fathom that I enter into 2017 without my son.  I would never have imagined this scenario yet on October 20th of 2016 Adam my 15 year old son chose to leave this world and us.  I understand that his mind was clouded with dark thoughts that impaired his judgement but it doesn’t change the fact that I miss him terribly and cannot understand how this could come to pass.  I have wrestled with guilt and regrets since he left and know that there is really no point in entertaining these thoughts except to ensure in the future that my perspective and priorities are directed to the people in my life versus external considerations like career and material possessions.  This site is dedicated to my son and his memory and my attempt to reconcile life without him in this world.