Author: sportertx

Today is Adam’s 17th birthday.  Two years ago we were celebrating with our son and today we are especially melancholy over what was once an event of great joy.  That is our new reality.  What once made us happy now is a depressing reminder of what we have lost.

Some time ago there was a post on Facebook that someone deemed wise.  It said if everyone was able to take all of their troubles in life and put them in a big pile together with everyone else’s they would want to take their troubles back when they  saw what others were dealing with.  I think about this post often and while I do realize there are many in the world and even in my local community who are far worse off I am pretty sure I would take others troubles on versus losing Adam.  I think the point of this “wisdom” is that we are all supposed to feel better knowing others are suffering as much or more than we are.  I think that is pretty misguided.  If you truly feel better because others are worse off than you then you should seriously review your life and attitudes.

I find myself growing numb to the pain around me.  When I learn of or see tragedy a voice inside me tells me whatever has occurred is not as bad as losing your only son.  This type of attitude is not much better than feeling comfort because others are worse off than you.  The reality of our world is that there is violence, disease, natural disasters along with a plethora of smaller tragedies like poverty, divorce, abuse etc. etc. etc.  Everyone on this planet experiences hardship and loss.  Some people claim that tragedies like the school shooting in Florida or other disasters that result in loss of innocent lives are indicators that there is no God or that he is indifferent to our suffering.  Sometimes I feel cutoff and alone and I can understand why people may feel like that but I know it is not true.

I suppose there is a possibility that life on this planet is some kind of cosmic accident and that everything that occurs on earth is just a series of random events.  Even if that is true how are we supposed to cope with the inevitable loss we all experience?  How do we watch our love ones self destruct?  How do we cope with the loss of those we care for either thru death or divorce?  Can we really be expected to bear the weight of this life alone?  I don’t think we are built for that and I think we need the hope of a Savior to give us the strength to weather the storms of this world.  I think when we lose touch with this link to the Almighty is when we despair and give up.

My new reality is without Adam and it is not what I want or ever expected.  When we experience loss in our lives we have a choice to make.  Do we harden our hearts and protect ourselves from further pain (this is impossible to pull off), do we give up and wait to die ( certainly not fair to those who still love you and there are always those who still love you no matter what you may think) or muster the strength and hope from God to carry on and do the best you can with whatever time you have left in this world? I pray for God’s help to soften my heart and give me more compassion and to give me the strength to bear my loss and I pray the same thing for others.  We all need help in this world, from each other and from a higher power.  If we try to take on the world by ourselves it will crush our spirit.  With God all things are possible.

This is one of the harder times of year to bear our loss of Adam. Christmas and New Years are about family and spending time together.  We obviously don’t have that opportunity unless we want to all gather at the cemetery.  It makes one bitter to see all the commercials and Facebook posts of happy families gathering around the Christmas tree opening presents.  Christmas decorations are like a dagger in my heart at this point since we had family traditions of decorating the tree and house.  We always celebrated New Year’s as a family so this is another reminder of our loss.  Adam is constantly in my thoughts and it makes it very difficult to function in the normal world.  Everyone is so oblivious to our loss and who can blame them.  They are fortunate to be able to live their lives unaware of how fragile everything is.

I read a post from a bible group I am in today and in it the leader talks about how blessed we are and how we should be ready to give away our time, treasure, and talent since our true rewards are in Heaven.  This man has experienced losses similar to mine  and I know he has found comfort in serving others via missions etc.  While I know intellectually I have always lead a blessed life with God constantly rescuing me from my own shortcomings and giving me a loving wife, wonderful children and a successful career now that Adam is gone I am not feeling so blessed anymore.  I know that I still have much to be thankful for and that others have suffered far more greatly than I but that seems abstract and my grief is real.

Navigating through each day especially this time of year is a tremendous challenge.  We have tried this year to minimize Christmas by not decorating and leaving town over the holiday but it doesn’t work .  You just carry the pain around with you wherever you go.  I also know it isn’t fair to those who are still here.  These holidays were and are a special time and Adam loved this time of year.  Our attempt at eliminating the holiday cheats us and those we love of the opportunity to spend time together and remember our dear son. Going forward I am going to try and embrace those things my son loved instead of burying them with him as a way to help strengthen his memory and legacy.  I know it won’t bring him back but at least there will be more of him in my life.  What I am doing now is not working so obviously I need to find a different approach to life without him.

The same leader I mentioned above  sent me a couple of poems that helped him deal with the loss of his son.  Given my current state of mind one of them does resonate with me.  It goes as follows:

And if I go, While you’re still here…Know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure- behind a thin veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith. I wait for the time when we can soar together again, both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to it’s fullest. And when you need me just whisper my name in your heart, and I will be there.

I am going to try harder to have faith and I will be constantly whispering Adam in my heart because he is always on my mind and always in my heart.  I will honor you my son in the way I live and I will see you in my dreams and look forward to the day of God’s choosing when we will be together again.

It is impossible to describe the pain suicide inflicts on those left behind.  Loss of a loved one is always devastating but there is a special kind of agony when someone you love takes their life.  The rate of suicide in families surviving a suicide is twice as high as other families.  Grief can impact all aspects of life including relationships with family and friends and even health.  Life just doesn’t seem as rich and satisfying as it did before.  So much of what I did and why I did it revolved around Adam and now without him here I just don’t seem to have the same sense of purpose and the things in my life just seem a little less worthwhile.

Intellectually I know this is not true but the feeling is hard to shake.  It is easy to let the loss darken your entire life and shade your days with sadness and a profound sense of loss.  The question becomes how do you avoid becoming another victim from the effects of suicide?  How is it possible to move on from such catastrophic loss?  Where does your joy come from when someone you loved so much has been taken away in such a senseless manner without any warning with no chance to say goodbye or  to ask please don’t leave?

I wish I could give you an answer.  I wish I could say I cracked the code and have something that will take away the pain in your heart but I don’t.  I can say what comfort I have received has come through the love of others and their compassion.  It is deeply moving when people show you that they care about you and the tragedy of losing your loved one. Seeking out people that care about you and will help you is an important step in regaining some balance in your life.  A friend introduced me to a group of men from his church.  One of these men had lost his son suddenly and has been very kind to me and has taught me through how he has coped with his own loss.  We are studying Romans and the book has spoken to me numerous times.

Religion can be a tricky thing when you lose someone to suicide.  There are pronouncements about what happens to a soul when someone commits suicide.  There is the feeling of betrayal or abandonment by God. There are the well meaning people quoting you bible verses like they are some sort of talisman to soothe your grief.  My relationship with God right now is complicated.  Intellectually (there is that word again)  I know he did not cause or plan for my son to take his life but if he is all powerful (and the bible says he is) why did he let this happen?  Do I want to worship a deity that would take my son away from me?

I will never understand why this happened and God’s designs for this world are beyond my comprehension.  I do know that I deeply loved my son and that he loved me.  I know I love my wife and she deeply loves me.  I know I love my daughter and she deeply loves me.  I love my friends and family and they love me and these are good things.  Paul tells us in Romans 12:21 “Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.”  In my heart I know this is true and right and it is the way out of my current darkness.  To escape the aftermath of suicide remember the love and keep loving those around you.  Be a light and let others be a light for you and in this way we will emerge together out of the darkness and the world will be better and we will find hope and renewal.

As I reflect back on my time with Adam I realize that I missed a huge opportunity with him to properly address how to respond to bullies in his life.  From about third grade for reasons I cannot fathom Adam had been subject to cruel bullying by other kids.  It seems like they could sense a sensitivity in him and it brought out the worst or it could just be that all kids are subject to this but Adam took it harder.  Regardless, my response was to become angry at all parties involved.  I was frustrated with the schools for allowing the behavior to happen in the first place, I was angry with the parents for raising children capable of such cruelty and not holding their children responsible for their actions and I was angry at the children themselves for hurting my son.

I did try to turn to God. Adam and I would pray when he was younger for the bullying to stop but I really missed the point.  We needed to be praying for these children and later young adults that tormented my son. Matthew 5:44 says “But I say to you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” I had always thought this was some sort of “turn the other cheek” kind of message and I really failed to understand what was behind it,  Jesus is not a pacifist but he understands what anger and hate do to our soul and how it can ruin our lives.

When the bullying first started we should have been praying for these kids and asking God to help them.  It is not normal behavior to lash out at innocent people and to belittle them when they are not doing anything to deserve it.  This behavior is caused by insecurity, pain, fear, anger, etc that are being generated by events in their own lives.  We should have asked God to forgive them and to help them with their problems. We cannot control what other people do or say but we do control our response.  If we let the ideas or actions of others generate anger and rage within us then ultimately we suffer as these destructive emotions destroy our happiness and ultimately our lives.  This is why forgiveness is so crucial; not for the offender but for the offended.

Adam was angry and hurt by the words and actions of his classmates.  I should have helped him understand that their cruelty toward him was about their own feelings about themselves fueled by dissatisfaction with their lives, envy, and fear.  He was so kind that I know he would have wanted to help them which is really how we should all respond.  I know his response to what was happening in his life was extreme and beyond appropriate but if he knew that others were suffering and acting the way they were because of this I think it might have helped him cope better.  If he had prayed for his friends and classmates that they would be healed of their feelings of jealousy and inadequacy then he might have felt less hurt by them.

There are so many examples today of rage in our world.  Bullying is rampant throughout our society.  It starts in school and now manifests itself in politics, religion etc.  We cannot discuss our beliefs without being attacked by others because they are threatened if someone has a different opinion.  We need to pray for each other and forgive those who oppress us.  When people act out on the right and the left they are doing so out of fear and weakness.  They need to let go of the anger they hold so close because it will destroy them. Adam did not understand why others treated him the way they did and it led him down a dark path.

Pray for your enemies and ask God to heal them.  Forgive all who offend you and do not let the darkness come into your heart.  This does not mean people are not responsible for their actions and should not be held accountable.  It just means we are not going to let hate control us and we want others to be free from hate as well. People who treat others cruelly are suffering and need help.  Both children and adults harbor feeling of inferiority and weakness and lash out because of it.  We should teach our children to see this and offer these people our love and prayers.

Recently another parent clumsily asked me how to stop suicide.  While I didn’t appreciate the manner in which he went about his question I can certainly understand his fear.  Since Adam’s death I have noted a number of suicides among teens and young adults and it troubles me whenever this occurs because I know the pain parents feel when losing their child especially in this manner.

I recently read an article titled “My Teen daughter died by suicide; here is what I want you to know”.  As I read the article there were a few things that were similar to Adam but for the most part her experience was completely different than mine.  This tracks to other conversations I have had with other parents who have lost children to suicide.  Adam did offer us a few clues but they were very subtle.  There was little to nothing to indicate he planned his suicide in advance.  Other parents have shared that there was extensive planning  around their children’s suicides.  I am fairly certain that while there may be some common threads each case is somewhat unique depending upon the person and the circumstances.

The uniqueness of each suicide makes it really difficult to provide hard and fast rules around what can be done to prevent suicide in teens or even detect that it is in your child’s mind.  Given the media coverage and the number of teen suicides each year it is highly likely your child has at least turned over the thought in their mind and you would be surprised at how young an age this starts popping up. Obviously, mental health plays a role in how seriously suicide is considered but there are definitely many cases where mental illness was not diagnosed prior to suicide.  Even when mental illness is diagnosed and treated there is still risk as was the case for Adam.

The point of this article is that there really is no easy way to know or to stop teen suicide or suicide for anyone.  It can be impulsive or planned in secret and if a person is determined to end their life you will have difficulty stopping them.  I can share what I think is the most important ingredient from my experience to prevent suicide or at least to provide comfort for the survivors of suicide; time.

Time is the key to limiting suicide and its after effects on those left behind.  I miss Adam terribly and I know that there is no guarantee that if I had done things differently with him that it would have changed this outcome.  Nonetheless, I am haunted by the time I have wasted in my life,  by the times I chose to do other things rather than spend time with him.  I have massive regrets about my choices and I  believe on some level if I had been more directly engaged with him I would have understood his pain and helped him more than I did.  Regardless of whether it is true or not it is how I feel.  I believe Adam has given us a gift to pause and reflect on how we are spending our lives.  What can we do differently to make sure that we are connecting with those we love and not frittering away our time on frivolous and meaningless things?

I was listening to a radio program and the host was discussing how we ask our teens the wrong question when we see them after school.  Typically,  it is something like “How was your day?” which elicits a mumbled response like “fine” and “Do you have any homework?” no is usually the response to this question and then that is it.  I know I have been a part of those types of conversations with both my son and daughter.  We need to try harder and make sure they know what a priority they are and how glad we are to see them.

Anne told me of a friend of hers that has a daughter who struggled with suicidal thoughts.  When Adam died her friend insisted that her daughter accompany her to Adam’s funeral.  Afterwards she expressed amazement at how much damage had been done and was awakened to what her loss would do to her family and friends.  I hope this is something that came through to every teen sitting in that room that day.  You are not alone, you are loved and cared for by many in spite of how you may feel.  Yes there is cruelty and disappointment and fear in the world but you always have people around you that will do anything they can to help you through it.

Time is not our friend.  It is finite and it is so easy to spend it in the wrong way.  It doesn’t take the loss of a child to wake up one day full of regret for the lost opportunities you have had with your children.  They grow up and leave or they can be taken away in an instant so make sure you are doing everything you can to spend time with them and to fully convey your feelings to them.  This more than anything else will impact suicide and it after effects.

Travelling has always been a major element in our family life.  As a child the memories that always stuck with me involved trips to various places. I wanted my children to have lives full of experiences and to travel as a family so that we would have memories together.  We took summer trips with my parents to Colorado, Hilton Head, Outer banks, Gulf Shores and Cape Cod.  I took them to all the Disney Parks multiple times.  It was a great opportunity to spend time together and create memories.

If you follow me on Facebook and I suspect you do or you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog you know we just went on a two week trip to Europe.  Ashley, my daughter, was the driving force behind this.  Neither Anne nor I have the heart or will to take on something so ambitious in our current state.  We love Ashley and wanted to have this time with her.  She is on the brink of full independence and we don’t see her as much as I would like so two weeks of time with her was a huge blessing even if it meant enduring ten hour plane rides and bad English food.

Normally, when I travel I am very meticulous in my planning.  For past trips I would pore over travel sites and find the best locations for lodging and meals and activities.  I would optimize activities and meal based on reviews and create elaborate travel plans.  For the Disney trips I would have the family up at the early hours of the morning and specify the order of rides and parks to make sure we missed the crowds and had the best possible time.  This zeal became a subject of ridicule among my family and while they were appreciative of my efforts there was also a slight note of discord among them wishing I would dial it back and let them relax more.

I just didn’t have the same energy for this this trip. We waited till just a few weeks before to book travel and we really didn’t understand the geography well enough to stay in the right places.  All the places we stayed were very nice but were far away from the city centers and required a good bit of walking or transportation to get to the sights.  We made up a lot of things as we went along and meals were fairly impromptu.  What I learned from this trip is that while some planning is important letting things happen  is okay too.  My past trips were wrapped up so much in my plans that I didn’t get to enjoy my time with my family as much as I should.

The other lesson I picked up from this trip is that even going to exotic locales and having lots of distractions will not allow you to escape your thoughts and feelings.  I was struck hard several times by Adam’s absence. He should have been there with us and he was missed.  The picture at the top of this article was from Minster Cathedral in York where we lit a candle for him.  I saw this grave of a young prince who died as a child and I thought of Adam.

I was struck the hardest by Adam’s loss one day when we were at a shopping center in London.  Anne had requested I leave her and Ashley alone at a store since I tend to be a little judgmental about purchases and she wanted to be free of my oversight.  It was a typical request and probably well warranted.  In the past Adam and I would use this time to go look at things we were interested in or grab a cookie.  As I wandered around the mall I felt so alone without him there.  I missed just a simple walk around the mall and a chance to go into the book store with him and buy him a book or a toy.  I know that will never happen again and it brought tears to my eyes right there and I couldn’t stop crying.

It was not a major revelation.  I knew it when I was in Destin over Christmas and when I was in Boston earlier this year and now I know it again.  No matter where you go, there you are.  I will never not feel Adam’s loss.  Because of our experiences together  I think travelling can make it more intense.  I am not sure it is really a bad thing either since I don’t ever want to forget him but it just really makes the loss so much more real for me.  I know now that the experience is what matters not the quality of the hotels, meals or activities and I wish I  could go back and relive those trips with Adam and savor our time more.  I am grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to have two weeks with my daughter and wife in a beautiful place but I so wish Adam could have been there to see it too.  I know he is with us in a different way and that I carried him in my heart through Europe but it should have been different.

I have been following a reading plan on the bible this year and one of the chapters I have been reading is 2nd Samuel.  David lost two sons in very traumatic ways and it is interesting how he responded to those two losses.  I think it is instructive on how we are meant to view death and also how we respond to hardships that are ongoing involving people who are still with us.

David loses his first child when he committed adultery with Bathsheba and arranged for her husband to be killed on the battlefield.  Bathsheba had born him a son and as punishment for his sins it was decreed by God that the child would perish.  I would think losing a child this way would be especially hard on David.  The child was innocent and a victim of David’s sins.

I would think the guilt for this would be overwhelming.  With Adam’s loss I reviewed all the things I have done wrong in my life and wonder if somehow I caused it.  I know this is not how it works but I still can’t help but think something I did or didn’t do led to Adam’s demise.  With David however there is no doubt that it is his fault because he is told so by Nathan.

His response when his child turns ill is that “He pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent nights lying in sackcloth on the ground.” 2 Samuel 12:16. What is most telling about David’s response was when the child actually dies.  His advisers are terrified to give him the news considering how he had reacted when the child was ill but when he learns the news he gets up cleans himself up, goes and worships the Lord, and then goes home and eats.  They question him about how he could act like he did and he responds, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought , ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him but he will not return to me.” 2nd Samuel 12:22-23.

What David is saying is that when you are dealing with adversity in your life do everything you can to seek assistance from God but once his son had passed there was nothing else he could do.  Sometimes, I think we have it backwards.  When our loved ones are among us and experiencing problems we don’t always give it our all in seeking God’s help for them but once they are gone we spend enormous amounts of energy mourning them when it is too late.  My take away from this is to try and focus on the living and vigorously seek God’s help for them and myself versus dwelling too much on things I can’t change.  it is easier said than done but it is my goal.

The other loss David experiences is his son, Absolom.  Absolom attempts to overthrow his father and take his life in the process yet when David hears the news of his death he said, “O my son Absolom! My son, my son Absolom! If only I had died instead of you…” 2 Samuel 18:33. I can certainly relate to this response.  I would trade places in a heartbeat with Adam if it would bring him back to this world.  Even though Absolom had betrayed David his love for him was unchanged and he was willing to sacrifice himself to bring his son back.  Even when those we love act in ways that disappoint us we really never stop loving them and want the best for them.

Finally, David was rebuked by his followers for allowing his grief to interfere with his responsibilities to his subjects.  When David hears this he gets up and assumes his responsibilities again as King of Israel.  The lesson we can learn from David and his grief for Absolom is that no matter how bad we feel about the loss we still have obligations to the living.  We cannot allow our grief to interfere with our relationships with those who have survived and are also suffering.  We owe it to those we love to take care of ourselves and to not allow our grief to create even more sorrow by neglecting ourselves or others no matter how we feel.  God will give us the strength to go on but we must seek him and have faith.

It would be easy to let my grief swallow me up and consume my life but I know this will not change anything.  I must look forward to those I love that are still with me and give it my all to love them and seek God in aiding them in any way I can.

On the eve of my 52nd birthday, the first one I will spend with out Adam physically here since he was born 16 years ago I feel very heavy with his loss.  Fewer and fewer people talk about Adam which in some ways is a relief due to some of the comments kindhearted, well-meaning people feel compelled to make.

The first category of these people are the ones that want you to understand that they have suffered loss and that due to this they understand my feelings and sadness.  While I am certain that people who have lost loved one to suicide or traumatic tragedy have a better idea of what I am going through they have no idea what I am feeling.  This type of loss effects every person differently based on the relationship they had with Adam (or their own loved one) and is based on their personality and how they deal with adversity.  I can tell you within my own family we are each dealing with our loss of Adam very differently and I don’t presume to fully understand the depth of loss from my wife or daughter.  Therefore please don’t assume you understand either.

The second category are those who feel compelled to share stories of other people’s losses and how they are worse than yours and how they overcame these losses.  Again I do appreciate the fact that these people are making an attempt to help and from a purely rational perspective I get what they are saying.  However, it really doesn’t provide any comfort to know other people have suffered.  I am very aware that teenage suicide rates are climbing and that there have been several other people in our community that have lost children recently.  This does not make me feel better in anyway to know this.  I am also aware that life can be cruel and that through accidents and bad luck children can be taken away. Again this does not give me strength or make me feel better knowing I am not alone in my loss.

I suppose some others may take comfort from support groups with others who have experienced similar losses and I am glad that works for them.  It is important to understand the grieving process is unique to each person and what works best for one person may not work for another.  The stages of grief as a process are a myth.  You can experience all of them simultaneously or never feel any one of them as you process your loss.  At this point other than writing this blog I am not really sure what gives me comfort.  I pray, I read the bible, I go to a men’s bible study, I visit Adam at the cemetery.  None of it really helps me to get over the fact that my son is gone and I miss him so much.  I feel like such a failure and I feel like I let him and my entire family down and I am pretty sure nothing is going to change that for me, especially stories about other people’s losses.

Keep in mind this is just my perspective right now.  it does not apply to everyone else who has suffered loss.  You need to ask them how they feel about these things since everyone is different.  What I need is prayer and friendship.  I do appreciate it when people let me know they are thinking about me or my family especially when they mention their memories of Adam.  Even though I am deeply wounded and will unlikely reach out to anyone for help ( it is not my way), I am always happy to meet up for lunch or whatever to keep up relationships with people who knew my son and would be comforted by sharing memories.  I am also deeply grateful to those of you who reach out to Anne and Ashley and try to help and comfort them.  They need all the love and care they can get because we are so lost without Adam.  We just don’t know what to do without him.  I am also so grateful for the remaining blessings I have.  God has been so good to us and it is hard to keep that in  mind when you have suffered this type of loss.  I know that Adam is with Christ and this does takeaway some of death’s sting.

Misery loves and needs company not to spread it further but to stop it in its tracks.  Messages of hope and renewal are the path to recovery for us.  Hope and faith are the tools God gives us to overcome the world and the pain it can inflict upon us.  Remember that no matter how bad things might be in your life that through love and faith all things can be overcome through Christ.  He is our strength and I know he will carry us through these dark times.

One of the frequent thoughts I wrestle with is how my son who by every indication was a sweet, loving, friendly, cheerful boy chose to end his life.  I didn’t know the person who took this action and struggle to understand him or to know where he came from or how long he had replaced Adam.

I have mentioned before that I have received training to recognize the symptoms of suicide and in hindsight I suppose there were symptoms from Adam that we had been told to look for.  He was having some difficulty sleeping and his grades had dropped a bit.  Both of these signs were written off to the new school year and him getting adjusted to the pace of his sophomore year.  His personality had changed a little but again this was easily explained by his age since it was expected as a 15 year old he would start to mature some.  The point of all this review is that we really had no warning at all.  Granted, as I have mentioned previously he was being treated for depression and anxiety but he had not shown any drastic changes in his behavior that would lead us to conclude he was considering ending his life.

I guess on some level mental illness is almost a form of possession where a person is taken over and says and acts in ways that are not consistent with their normal personality.  Unfortunately for us Adam did not really act in a way that set off alarms in us or anyone else who interacted with him on a daily basis.  I wish he had done something extremely out of character but even then the thought of him ending his life was so far beyond us considering it.

Recently, a high profile rock star took his life and his wife wrote an open letter where she said that she knew it was not him that ended his life.  I can relate to this.  I do not believe Adam did this and whatever took over his mind and led him to his final decision came up so quickly we had no chance to respond.  Hindsight is merciless in this situation but in order to survive mentally you have to understand that the sweet boy we knew was not the one that went down this dark path.

I know it is a little scary to consider how quickly things can turn but unfortunately that is how life in the “world” works.  I am comforted by the fact he is with our Savior and I pray to Adam and for Adam every day. When my time comes I look forward to our reunion because I know the Adam that I knew will be waiting for me.

Back in November I was searching for some appropriate way to memorialize Adam and I came up with idea to commission a statue. I had no idea how involved the process is and how long it takes but last week it finally arrived.  Anne and Ashley had already departed for a birthday/Mother’s Day trip to Napa Valley so my plan was to give it to her Sunday when they got back.  As with most plans this one went awry due to a miscommunication around the plane’s arrival time back.  It was so late when they got home it didn’t seem right to show it to her at midnight after a long day of travel.  I suspect this statue will evoke a lot of emotion in Anne and I am concerned about how she will react.  I am left in a potential lose lose situation.  As I have wrestled with this I am struck by how many other situations mirror this one in which it seems no matter what I choose I can lose.

While we are struggling as a family with Adam’s loss Anne in particular has been hit the hardest.  Her devotion to Adam was complete and she cannot even begin to deal with the reality of his loss.  Images of him can trigger intense bouts of sadness.  This was not something I took into account back in November.  It is possible this gesture on my part could not have it’s intended effect.  But what is the alternative?  To obliterate Adam’s memory from our minds and space?  I know this is not the right thing to do,  We need him in our lives and cannot  exist without him with us.  So I am stuck. If I move forward with the statue I could trigger intense sadness in my wife.  If I don’t act on my convictions I am not honoring Adam or keeping his memory alive which is essential. So like the title of the article says it seems I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Life seems to present a lot of these dilemmas.  Listening to the radio or watching TV is a way to distract my mind from dwelling on the enormity of Adam’s loss but inevitably there will be a commercial or some subject that come up that causes me pain. Silence and stillness is bad because eventually my mind will wander to thoughts that cause me pain but the distraction can be as bad or worse.  Again it appears I am damned either way.

Beyond my loss I reflect back on all the choices I had as a parent or as a husband where I found myself in no win situations.  Situations where regardless of my choice there were negative consequences.  Sometime even not choosing an action would have negative consequences.  How do we maneuver through these experiences? If I am strict I jeopardize the relationship with my child. If I am lax my child will not learn how to become a mature adult.  If I am honest with my wife about her actions our relationship will sour.  If I keep quiet our relationship will still sour.  It seems to never end and it impacts our joy and quality of our life.

What do you do in a lose lose situation?  I think the answer is you do what is right no matter the consequences.  You reflect and pray and follow the path that seems correct no matter the outcome.  If we allow ourselves to become paralyzed by the potential of negative outcomes we lose anyway.  Damned if you do or damned if you don’t is an illusion from the devil.  Don’t let your fear of the future prevent you from taking the steps in your life you know you need to take. “For we walk by faith, not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:7.  If we live by the convictions of our heart and act on them in faith we overcome the negative outcomes we fear.  My choice is to proceed.  I know God is with me and that it will go well.