Author: sportertx

My earliest memories of my mom are not positive.  I guess that is how the brain works.  We remember what is traumatic more than what is positive.  I was 4 years old and being a precocious child, I had learned to spell my name.  I was very proud of this accomplishment and thought it best to display my newfound knowledge via a tube of lipstick and an empty white wall.  I wrote my entire first name, Stephen in bright red lipstick and while the penmanship was not great it was spelled correctly.  When she called out “who wrote their name on the wall?” (was there really any doubt?)  I was happy to take credit for my handiwork.  As you can imagine it did not end well for me and I was not allowed to attend the Peter Pan play which obviously to this day still haunts me.

Being the child of Betty Porter was challenging. When people met you there was an expectation in their eyes that you needed to be extraordinary if you where her child.  She was so talented and driven they just expected that it would have naturally passed down to you and that great things were expected.  If you knew my mother at all you would completely understand this sentiment, she expected greatness from us, and that pressure could either drive you forward or crush you with the weight of expectations.  In the end I would like to believe her drive and ambitions for her children gave me the courage and confidence to start my own company and gave Whitney the will to create her own life in New York and to pursue her writing career.  I will be forever grateful to my mother for pushing us so vigorously.

On another level being the child of a high school counselor was also challenging.  She knew what I was going to do even before I thought of it.  She had seen and heard it all and was determined that I would stay on the right path.  It didn’t always work out that way, but she made me work very hard to gain my independence and this also gave me strength.  She was so committed to her vocation.  It permeated her every fiber and it allowed her to accomplish amazing things for her students.  She was able to place students with very disadvantaged circumstances in some of the best colleges in the country.  She was devoted to her students and almost had to be forcibly removed from the school at the end of her career.  She loved her job so much that even though she was eligible for retirement she kept working five more years, meaning she effectively worked for free since she would have already been paid the same amount for retiring.  Even after she left, we constantly met her students in Houston, and they always went out of their way to greet her and express their appreciation for her work on their behalf. 

Retirement was difficult for her.  In the latter days at work, she was beginning to have memory issues, and this got worse after she stopped working.  We would take family vacations and she would become uneasy in new places, and it got harder and harder to take trips with her. She also started to have some health issues including breast cancer and leukemia.  Her energy and will was still there and she was able to easily defeat any illness that afflicted her except for Alzheimer’s.  It progressed. albeit slowly. Her neurologist commented that he had never seen it be so gradual. I attribute this to her internal strength and will.

She and my father decided to move to Austin so that we could help them.  The first couple of years they were mostly independent, and we would provide a little help with doctor’s visits or errands.  I believe, though it was not known at the time, that my mom contracted Covid very early and was hospitalized but fully recovered.  Eventually, both got it and their ability to take care of themselves was significantly compromised. My wife. A former hospice nurse stepped in and began to assist with their care.  Our goal was to keep my mom in at her home and to help my dad as much as we could to keep their quality of life high.   Even though Alzheimer’s had stripped my mom of most of her memory, what was left was the sweetest, most appreciative person you would ever encounter.  She never failed to thank anyone and everyone even if they weren’t doing anything for her.  She wanted to talk with everyone even if they struggled to understand what she was telling them. 

Taking care of her was our opportunity to give back to her and it made us better people.  It was her final gift to us.  She finally succumbed last week and only spent one night bed bound.  Till the very end she was sweet and loving even though she was declining.  I like to believe underneath the layers of her drive and ego was a sweet caring person and this drove her need to care for others the way she did.  We were so very fortunate to have her in our lives and we will continue to reap the benefits of having her as our mother. It was a long goodbye, and it was a struggle at times, but I would not change it because of how it changed us.  We are so grateful that she is now with the Lord and fully restored with her brother, parents and grandson cherished and loved and free of pain and suffering.

A week ago I lost a friend to Covid. We had not spoken since Adam died. I kept up with him on Facebook and liked some of his posts. Our lives had gone in different directions and I had just not done a good job of keeping up. I could say this about a lot of people in my life but his untimely departure from this world gives me pause. Ryan Holiday is the author of the Daily Stoic and is the one who introduced me to the saying Memento Mori which means, “remember you must die”. Holiday states in his writings that most people think of death as an event in the future but in reality we die a little each day and we don’t know what the future holds so death could really happen at any time. While this can be a depressing thought it is also a wake up call to use our time well and not take our friends and family for granted.

I have touched on this topic in other articles but it was more related to the loss of my son and my regrets in not spending more or better time with him. I have enormous guilt about this and know I could have been a better father to him. It might not have changed the outcome but at least I would have some peace that I had done everything I could to be the best dad for him. This is a different kind of regret. It is about an opportunity lost. My friend Blandy was a very kind person who thought of others and was very well liked and will be greatly missed.

When Adam died he came to the visitation even though we had not spoken for several years. His thoughtfulness in coming is only dawning on me now since I was preoccupied in my own grief. I observed through Facebook how committed he was to his family and the time he took to help others in need. Earlier last year he was making face shields for health care workers. I am sure if I had taken the effort to stay in touch it would have been to my benefit.

I have deliberately kept my friends in two categories; before Adam’s death and after. Most of the people I interact with that were my friends before Adam died are people I work with or family. Most of my friends from church and Adam’s school just kind of faded but I do still keep up with some passively on Facebook like I did with Blandy. It is painful and awkward when I do see them because I can tell they just don’t know what to say and for me it is just a reminder of what once was. Some of my new friends know about Adam and some don’t. I don’t deliberately hide it but I consider it personal and not something I dwell on. Sometime it is a relief to be around people who don’t know so I can just be in the moment and leave my grief behind.

Blandy’s death has me thinking this approach to life might be a little short sighted on my part. Leaving friends behind especially good people like Blandy cheats us and deprives us of fellowship and love. It is easy to withdraw when you are wounded and to not reach out but it is not the best way to live. Not everyone has lost a child and they still let life separate them from their friends and think they will have time later to catch up when things slow down. Things never slow down and I think those things are not as important as reaching out to people who can enrich our lives. Remember you will die and make sure you spend the time you have left in the best way you can. Reach out to your old friends and let them know how much you appreciate them.

I have been listening to podcasts from Jordan Peterson in my ongoing quest for enlightenment and understanding. He is a controversial figure who has experienced his own setbacks and challenges but I hear a ring of truth in his words. His podcast titled TRANSFORM YOURSELF INTO A MONSTER! Face The Tragedy of Life struck a chord with me as something I have inadvertently become due to the experiences of my life. After Adam’s death I felt a sense of detachment that was necessary for me to continue to function. I marvel at how effective I was in dealing with this tragedy while having my heart broken. Since then I have experienced other tragedies and hardships and I just seem to harden up and keep going. I wonder if on some level life is taking away my empathy and feelings. When I hear of others and their tragedies I am less empathetic than I once was. How do we overcome tragedies in our lives without hardening our hearts?

Peterson believes that tragedies are inevitable in life and that having the mental fortitude to withstand them is critical. I have also studied Stoic philosophers like Marcus Aurelius who talk about pragmatism in the face of loss. Aurelius lost most of his family to an epidemic and ruled over Rome during one of the most challenging periods in its history. His response to all the hardship was to give thanks that it happened to him and not someone else since he was mentally strong enough to handle it.

I often think in a similar way that I am here to be a source of strength for others and that no matter what happens that I will be able to overcome it. I don’t ask for hardship but when it comes the only thing you can do is to absorb the blow and keep going. Usually, the loss of a child results in self medication, mental illness, therapy, stress related illness, divorce, bankruptcy and more. I am one of the few who can say my faith in God, my mental strength, and the love and support of my family and friends have allowed me to escape these after effects. I just hope it was not at the expense of my ability to sympathize with others.

Life can force us to become monsters in many ways to continue functioning in the face of adversity. I ruthlessly police my mind to avoid thoughts that are not useful to my development and lead to self pity. I know others have experienced worse than me and some have gone on to live happy and fruitful lives. Sometimes we must be strong for those around us to give them something to hold onto in the storms life generates. I continue to struggle everyday with Adam’s loss but I know that I must move forward and that there will be other crises in my life that will require strength. We must banish thoughts from our minds that do not serve us well.

When I was training for Stephen Ministry, a Christian based peer counseling group, they warned us about over empathizing with others. The metaphor they used was that you couldn’t pull someone up from a ditch if you were in it with them. You needed to be firmly anchored to the shore to be able to extend your hand and pull them up. That stuck with me and I think it plays a role in how I respond to tragedy. There is also something inherent in me that detaches during times of stress. I can remember being at my wife’s grandmothers funeral and one of her brothers was supposed to give a eulogy but they were all so emotional they could not speak so I ended up delivering the eulogy. It was strange speaking to a room full of people I barely knew about a person I had only met a few years earlier and had barely known. But I sensed a strength that others did not possess that helped them and made me feel good about myself. Peterson talks about being the person that is strong at funerals and I guess that is me. I guess that detachment I feel inside is not coldness but strength and resolve to do what is needed for those around you. I do not have the luxury of collapsing in grief. I must be the one others lean on in times of trouble and that is a good thing. So if I am indeed a monster as Peterson describes then I am the best kind of monster. A monster with a purpose to console others and to be there when needed. Peterson says we should all try to find a higher, noble purpose to give our lives meaning. I guess this is mine.

One of my early articles  “All Dogs go to Heaven” discussed my feeling on our pets and Heaven.  I reasoned that Heaven would not be Heaven without our pets and that I expected that our dog Bailey who had passed was with Adam and that when our dog Buddy passed he would join  Adam too.  Unfortunately and unexpectedly our sweet dog Buddy has now joined Adam and even though I know he is in a better place and has joy to be reunited with his boy I am devastated and overcome with sadness.

Buddy was the sweetest dog I have ever owned and his faithful presence is sorely missed.  I walk around our home and every place I look has some memory from him attached to it.  I have lost 4 dogs in my life and every one was painful but this one hurts the most.  He was the one I most closely associate with Adam and the manner of his passing (drowning) was horrific and sudden.  If you have a pool and pets I would strongly urge you to take all precautions because like with small children it only takes a moment for disaster to strike.

As I struggle with loss I once again look to God and ask why?  What good can possibly come from this loss and how can a benevolent deity take away my sweet friend?  I realize there are far worse tragedies occurring on a minute by minute basis but I still struggle with the idea that this is part of some predestined plan that God has for me.  If that is true I am not sure I am up for this and would prefer a different plan or a different god. After coping with Adam’s and now Buddy’s loss I have determined that there is no plan.  I also base this on the events of the world as well.  I do not believe that God directs all things especially massacres of innocents whose only crime was being at the wrong place at the wrong time.  I believe our world is full of danger and evil and that at any moment tragedy can strike.  God and the strength he provides and the hope for another better world is what keeps us from succumbing to despair.

Suffering is inevitable in this world and while I am sure it builds perseverance and character (James 1: 2-4) I struggle to believe God deliberately inflicts suffering upon us to develop us spiritually. I am reading a book titled Crushing by TD Jakes which presents this idea. His idea of crushing is having a pregnant teenage daughter and losing his mom to Alzheimer’s.  I would propose that while I am sure this is a challenging situation and losing a parent is certainly sad it is nothing in comparison to what I and others have gone through. The idea that God would inflict this on us by design is severely misguided.

God loves us and wants the best for us but we live in world that is governed by sin and death and his power lies in delivering us from that world.  The suffering we experience in this world does build our reliance on God which gives us strength and character needed to follow the path to Heaven.  Losing Buddy reminds me yet again of my need for God’s help in overcoming loss and my hope of holding him in the next world.  Without this belief I really don’t know how I would cope with this.  Even if my belief is a fantasy I would rather hold it close than to think my sweet dog and son are lost to me forever.

Buddy was special.  He was bought for Adam to help him cope with our move to a new neighborhood and school.  He was Adam’s faithful friend and never so much as growled.  He was by my side whenever I was in the house and was always eager for affection and treats.  I have never experienced a more pure, unconditional love  and I will miss him. Give him a hug for me Adam and I am sure he will be showering you with kisses and so happy to be with you.

Every year we have dates that are particularly painful.  Christmas, Adam’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day all generate melancholy for us as we think of what should have been.  This year there is an added element of pain as all of Adam’s classmates graduate from high school and make plans for their future.  Logging into Facebook is like a game of Russian Roulette as proud parents announce their children’s successful completion of high school and their college destination.  We have  posted those types of messages in the past without a thought that there might be friends out there who have lost children so I certainly can’t blame anyone for doing this type of thing. Some have even sent us graduation announcements.  When I see these announcements I can’t help but wonder about the thought process on the other end.  Was there any thought or did the person think it was better to include us than exclude us?  I will err on the positive side and think that even though they recognized it would hurt us they still want us to feel included in their lives.

This weekend was particularly wrenching as one of Adam’s lifelong friends was recognized for graduating by his church.  He and his family wanted to include a memorial to Adam in his slide show given what Adam’s friendship meant to him growing up.  We were touched by this gesture and Anne wanted to go which is a huge step for her in her grief journey.  There was no way I was going to let her go by herself so I went too.  Since Adam’s death I have not been to very many church services.  I resent God for letting Adam die even though I know all of the explanations offered for this type of thing. I still can’t help it.  Also given the fact that church was a big part of our life when Adam was alive means that attending church causes painful memories to bubble up every time I go.  Lots of families sitting together worshiping and blissfully unaware of how quickly life can change.  It is very hard to take.  This service was no different.  Lots of hymns telling us to be happy and trust God etc. Pastors giving Adam’s contemporaries words of wisdom about the next stage in their life. Pronouncements about the future that we no longer have as parents and Adam no longer has as our son.  It is a life unlived by us and him.

I appreciate the thoughtfulness of this family to share this moment and to remember Adam.  I wonder how many other of our friends think about him and keep his memory alive.  I am sure it is painful for them to think about Adam and the temptation is to let life wash away the pain. I wanted to let the people who knew Adam know that we do appreciate these types of gestures and even though it opens wounds and causes tears to flow that it is far better than the alternative.  I am not sure there is meaning in Adam’s death that can be sourced for something positive.  My daughter Ashley and I were discussing that if people truly understood the pain suicide causes for the survivors then maybe it would prevent some from happening but that is not a given since suicide is not a rational act.  I do know that forgetting Adam is wrong even though the pain is made fresher by his friends going on with their lives.  We are happy for them but envious all the same that their lives continue while ours with Adam came to an abrupt end.

I hope some day we will be able to view Adam’s time with us as a gift.  To be able to look back at a wonderful loving son who brought us and others happiness and joy.  He was a great boy and a good friend to those who knew him.  This event reminded me of that so it was a good thing.  Thank you to those that remember Adam and know that we will always love him and keep his memory alive in our hearts no matter how hard that may be for us.  Our life with Adam was interrupted and we do have faith in God that it is but a short time before it will resume.  Until that day comes we will honor his memory here on earth as best we can and certainly be grateful to others who do likewise.

 

It has been a while since I have written any articles on this site.  I don’t really feel like my thoughts lately have been original and after having written the articles I have it starts to feel a bit redundant.  It feels like forever since Adam has been alive and yet it feels like yesterday.  This was driven home to me recently by a couple of incidents and I wanted to capture the thoughts here.

I was trying to get a go pro camera working to take out on the boat.  I had bought it a couple of Christmases back and didn’t find it very intuitive so it had languished in my closet unused.  I had forgotten that I had offered it to Adam to use.  I didn’t think he had ever taken me up on it but to my surprise he had actually tried to use it.  The video was nothing special he was talking to the camera about going to play airsoft with his friends.  I think the plan might have been to use the camera while playing airsoft but he must have decided against it.  It was a little jolt from the past seeing him and it made me ache inside for him.  It just reminded me again of how much I miss him and what his loss means.

I usually try to visit his grave at least every two weeks.  The drive out to Georgetown is long and I guess at this point it is too painful for Ashley and Anne to come with me so it can be a pretty lonely experience.  I have flowers planted on his grave and there are underground pots called oyas that I keep full to keep the flowers alive.  I pull a few weeds and water the whole plot to keep things looking nice.  We still don’t have a headstone because I guess it makes his death too real but I bought a small marble plaque with his picture on it to put at the plot so people will know who is buried there. I usually stop before or after to eat lunch.  The drive itself is pretty depressing because I have to go by our old neighborhood and see all the place we use to go together.  I decide to stop in at a place we went a few times called The Noble Pig.  It was never his favorite because the sandwiches were a little fancy but he was starting to appreciate it more as he got older.  There was a boy at the counter who could have been Adam’s twin brother.  My uncle, who lost his son to suicide as well warned me there would be times when I would see Adam in other boys and I have but it was nothing like this.  I couldn’t stop staring.  He looked like Adam at 17.  Taller but the same hair and skin.  He was still a bit self-conscious like Adam would have been.  I wanted to talk to him but I figured it would freak him out.  I know it wasn’t Adam, there were small signs he was different but the resemblance unnerved me.  I felt a mixed reaction of pain and happiness which is pretty much how I live these days.

Our house is full of reminders of Adam.  Our garage still is packed with all of his belongings and we can’t even begin to face what to do with them.  We still have boxes from the table at the funeral filled with his most treasured things at friends houses.  I guess in some way we still haven’t fully faced his leaving us.  I know Anne is struggling and is still taking medications that keep her from feeling the full effect of his loss.  She mentioned to me that she wanted to stop taking them so she could experience the reality of our lives.  I suggested that she was fine where she was and didn’t need this reality right now.  I am not sure when the day will come when we can truly face our loss but I am certain it is not today.  The ghosts of the past and future still haunt me and my pain lurks just under the surface waiting to come out.  God has a plan I suppose and it is far from clear to me what it is and what I am supposed to do now.

There is a hole in my heart where the rain gets in.

I lost you and the pain never ends.

No matter how much sun it still feels the same.

I can’t seem to shake the clouds and the rain.

This phrase keeps bouncing around in my head and while there are lots of songs and poems that come close I could never find one that got it exactly right for me so I made an attempt to write my own.  I read a post from someone the other day who had lost a loved one and they observed that life will never be the same and it resonated with me because that is exactly right.  I also think it depends on how much that person is involved in your daily life.  Obviously, Adam was right in the center so his loss hits me every minute of every day no matter what else is happening.

We just recently celebrated Ashley’s graduation from UT.  It was everything you would hope for in a celebration.  Family and friends gathering together to honor her impressive achievement.  It was a great weekend yet looming over it all for me was Adam.  He should have been here with us like always and I am sure he would have been so happy for her.   We believe as Christians that Adam is still with us in spirit but it doesn’t help me much with the ache in my heart.  I miss him so much and these occasions even though they are happy times just seem to intensify my feelings of loss.  The problem is I don’t see this changing and I am not sure I would want it to since it would mean that I am not thinking about him.

Life has a natural progression and we know death is part of it.  We expect that our parents will precede us in death and while it is extremely painful and we miss them it just doesn’t have the same impact as losing a child.  I am not sure what to do with my feelings except to endure them and cling to my belief that he is still with me.  I talk to him every day but I am not sure I can feel his presence in response.  I hope that this will change over time and that he will be more present with me.  Maybe as my pain subsides there will be more room for him in my heart and the hole will close.  Time will tell.

There seems to be a great rush in our society to become an adult.  It seems like childhood grows shorter and shorter as children are exposed to more and more adult themed information.  I remember as a child wanting nothing more than to have my autonomy and to control my own life.  I also remember how scary it was when I finally realized I was on my own.  I think a lot of young adults struggle with this transition and that the pressure to grow up creates a lot of anxiety for our children.  I suspect Adam was very worried about his ability to become an adult and on some level I think this affected his outlook on the world.

I think a lot of the emotions that contribute to suicide are fueled by the transition from youth to adult.  I had a former boss who was a professor at UT.  One of his most gifted students took her life.  Before she made the decision to end her life she had shared the idea with him that she felt her life would never get any better than it was at that moment.  She was on top of everything.  Her mental power and physical powers were at their peak and she  was confident that anything that happened after this moment would not be as satisfying.  While I don’t think Adam was looking at things that way I do think the longer he lived the more complicated things became and the more jaded and disappointed he was in life in general and maybe even in us his parents.  The longer he knew us and the more mature he became the more aware he was of our flaws and the flaws of the world.

I think this is true for all of us and that it carries over into how we interact with each other and our children.  Life beats us down and then we share that disillusionment with our children.  Their expectations are set so high in childhood as we overexert ourselves to maintain a lifestyle for them that is unrealistic. The effort is exhausting, draining and unsustainable.  As they begin to see the real world they much prefer the environment we set up for them as children and they see what life has done to us and they are not so sure adulthood is all it is cracked up to be.

Our mistake is losing the child  inside of us.  God wants us to maintain our childlike faith and view the world with a sense of wonder, awe and joy and share it with our children and friends.  I am reading a book titled The Prayer Wheel which breaks down several of the key prayers and elements in the Bible.  One of the prayers that resonated for me  was this one, “Teach me a child’s way of living in my heart and mind today: playful, open, curious, unguarded, innocent, quick to giggle, delighted in the moment, easily contented, ready to hope–and hope big–all over again, forgetful of yesterday, reaching for Mommy, reaching for Daddy, reaching often, God–,secure in your presence, believing in your goodness, trusting in your strength. I want to change and become little in my spirit. Teach me what that looks like. Help me to let go of the grown-up stuff I’m so prideful about, like what I think I know, especially about you.  Remake me like a child in all the right ways that I may walk in your kingdom today.  Amen.”

I overheard my daughter talking about Adam and how he left this world in such a pure, innocent state.  I believe  that is true and I also believe we should strive to maintain that state in ourselves and our children and try to avoid letting the world take away these traits from us as we mature.  I wish I had done a better job of this while Adam was alive and I hope like him I will remain a child of God and stay forever young in my heart.  I hope you can too.