We recently passed a milestone of sorts when we sold our old house. What should have been a time of happiness was obviously different for us. It was just another painful reminder that Adam is gone. We struggled with losing access to Adam’s room and to the house he had lived in most of his life. It lead to a discussion about where do we go to be close to Adam, to remember him. It is a common question when someone dies. Writer Pearl Buck shared this thought on her own loss”Was he still hovering about the house at home, the essence of himself, and were I still there would I perceive his presence?…I fought off the mighty yearning to go in search of him, wherever he was. For surely he was looking for me, too.”
Selling our house and moving was not much of a choice for us. We were already in the process of moving when Adam took his life so we had already mentally moved on when this happened. Both Anne and Ashley struggled to go upstairs to his room and Ashley was sleeping on the couch in our den. We all knew we needed to move from this space but it was very hard to do and we all had conflicting emotions. That was one of the reasons we waited so long to put our house on the market and now that is officially gone we definitely have mixed emotions about no longer having access to the place where we lost Adam.
Anne’s psychiatrist said that it was important that we moved Adam with us to the new house but I am not sure what this really means. Does it mean we keep his things around the house? (we do) Does it mean we have a room especially for him? (we don’t) I am just not sure what to do with this advice. The real problem is that we don’t have the answers for this but we long to connect with him and really there is no hard and fast rule about this. We all will connect with Adam where we choose to and that could be different for every person.
The real answer to the question “Where is Adam?” is that he is in Heaven with our Savior Jesus Christ. We know Adam was a believer and John 11:25 says “Whoever believes in me will live even though he dies”. But what are we supposed to do with this while we are here in this world? I think the answer is to find comfort wherever you can, Adam’s grave is a place of God’s beauty and you can certainly feel him there. Looking at Adam’s things can give you a sense of him or thinking about his laugh and smile brings him back to me. Just know that he is waiting for us all and he loves us as he did before he left and when you think of him he is with you.