Don’t Judge a Book by it’s Cover

I had mentioned in a previous article that Adam had some difficulties when he was born.  Adam was 9 pounds 11 ounces and I suspect his size created some issues for him coming out of the womb.  He came out gray and was rushed to Neonatal Intensive Care.  He quickly recovered but doctors kept him in ICU for a week.  The sight of Adam at his size next to all of the prematurely born babies that typically occupy Neonatal ICUs would have almost been comical except for the circumstances.  The point of this story is that from all outside appearances Adam was a big healthy baby but this was not necessarily the case.

Throughout Adam’s life from the outside he was extremely blessed.  He was very healthy once he got beyond that initial time in the ICU.  In fact he never went to the hospital once during his short life.  I can’t even remember having to take him to the emergency room.  While I am sure I am somewhat biased I also believed he was very handsome and had been blessed with great features.  So by all outside standards he was blessed by God.

He was also blessed with a family that loved him and would do anything for him.  His older sister was very kind to him and spent time with him whenever she could and he had two very committed parents. We took numerous trips to Disney World, California, Boston Colorado etc. to try and enrich his life with experiences that I never had and I am sure most of you did not experience as a child.  He lacked for nothing because his nature was such that you wanted to do nice things for him.  He was so appreciative and sweet it just felt good to do nice things for him.  He never demanded or expected anything and this was what made him such a joy to be around.

He had a rich spiritual life.  He had gone to religious private schools most of his life and we had been active members of churches with him attending youth classes most of his life.  He had gone to Pine Cove Summer Camp the last few years and was involved with Hill Country Bible Church’s Backyard Bible Club.  At the time of his death he was attending  by his own choice a Monday small group at Hill Country and Alpha, which is another Christian based program.

In spite of all of this he did struggle emotionally,  He was very vulnerable to bullying and took everything other people said very personally.  Since about third grade he had experienced signs of anxiety and depression and we sought out recommended counselors to help us with his issues. Ultimately, this led to his seeing a psychiatrist and being diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression and put on a low dosage of Lexapro.  He had been on this medication for over a year and by all indications it seemed to take the edge off his anxiety and depression.

My belief is that based on appearances and circumstances  none of us including his psychiatrist could fathom or understand what was going on inside his mind.  We looked at Adam and saw a bright, funny, gifted boy with an amazing future.  He saw something totally different.  According to an article from Psychology Today titled “Understanding Survivors of Suicide Loss” “the primary goal of suicide is not to end life but to end pain. People in the grips of suicidal depression are battling an emotional agony where living becomes objectionable.”  The problem we had was that none of us including the professionals caring for Adam had a clue he was in so much pain.

The takeaway from all this is that don’t assume because others appear to be thriving that they are.  We were lulled into a false sense of security because we thought we had given Adam everything he could possibly need from love, security, spirituality, etc.  Everyone struggles and it is important to take the time to make sure things are truly as they appear.  Keep this in mind with your own kids and also those around you.  Most of us put on a brave face and no one knows what pains, doubts and fears we struggle with in our hearts.