One of the more challenging aspects of grief is the constant weight you seem to be carrying with you due to the loss. Anne, Ashley and I all have commented on how physically drained we are from this experience. I am sure depression has a physiological effect on the body but it is still surprising how just doing little things can result in a feeling of exhaustion and how daunting even the most trivial task can seem when you are in the throes of grief.
I experienced an example the other day of how powerful the mind can be in controlling perception of reality. Ashley and I went out and ordered coffee for us and Anne. Anne’s preferred Starbucks order is a Cinnamon Dolce Latte and Ashley had ordered a Mocha. When I went to heat up Anne’s coffee I discovered it was a Mocha. Ashley had consumed Anne’s drink by mistake without noticing it was a very different flavor. Her mind told her it was a Mocha so she tasted Mocha. The point of this drawn out story is to illustrate that our physical and mental state is dictated by the perception of our mind. If we allow it to our mind will keep us in a drained state due to the stress and despair we feel over Adam’s loss. Faith goes both ways. You can choose to believe you will never be happy again or you can choose to believe God ‘s promises that he will heal you and give you the strength to overcome your pain.
God wants us to be happy and gives us the power within our own mind to choose. It is hard to find Him in this loss of our dear son but there was great joy in Adam and his life and if we seek it out the weight of his loss will lessen. It is a matter of perspective but getting to that point takes time and faith. I hope some day that I can pray as David did in Psalm 30 Verses 11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.” You were and are not heavy Adam you are my son and I will love you forever.