“I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath:he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light: surely against me he turns his hand again and again the whole day long.”
I read this verse the other day and it definitely was something I could relate to given the recent experiences in my life. It is from the Bible, appropriately Lamentations 3 verses 1-3. The author of this verse had obviously experienced pain in his life. He may have lost his children, spouse or other loved ones under tragic circumstances. He feels forsaken by God. I understand his perspective. As I have mentioned in previous articles I am not unaware that there are others in the world who have experienced far greater losses than mine and that all thing considered I still have a very remarkable and blessed life. It still doesn’t change the dark cloud I have looming over me and the pain I experience every minute of every day due to the loss of my son Adam. Yet I persist.
This season is a particularly dark time for us. First, there is the anniversary of Adam’s death in late October, then we have the holiday season with Thanksgiving and Christmas. This was the first year we have celebrated (if you want to call it that) Thanksgiving at our home. It was very low key but I do consider it progress that it wasn’t gut wrenching. We will also be spending Christmas at home this year with our daughter Ashley. I am sure we will struggle but we are trying to adjust to our new reality.
I had a very different dream recently in which I actually spoke with God. I have never had a dream like this. A conversation with our creator is a new thing for me. As most dreams go it was a little disjointed but I was speaking to Him through a old style speaker phone and I laid out a very similar lament to the one above. He responded, “Go live your life. It is my gift to you”. This impacted me and while I cannot be certain if God was speaking to me this message came from somewhere. My interpretation is that while I have experienced loss and tragedy there is nothing to be gained from dwelling on it. You must move forward and live the life you have and appreciate the things you still have. This is easier to write than to do but every day gets a little brighter.
Lamentations 3 ends on a hopeful note”The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;his mercies never come to an end;they are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion” says my soul. “Therefore I will hope in him”.” 22-24. I think this captures it well. Life continues and I persist in hope that each day will be better than the next.
4 replies on “I persist”
Persist and live. I think of you all daily but can not begin to imagine the gut wrenching anguish! Persist and live! Love you all!
Thank you for your thoughts.
Thank you, cousin Steve, for sharing your pilgrimage! Toni and I struggle every Thanksgiving and Christmas as we remember our Amy’s death on December 2, 1995. We identify with the lament you expressed in your dream and read about in Solomon’s Lamentations. The open emotional wound does heal over time, with God’s help, and we can go on loving and living again, but the scar will always be tender. Love you guys! Jerry
Thank you. Your grace in losing your daughter has always been an inspiration to me. I am sorry for your loss but know that your example has often been on my mind as I struggle to deal with my own.