Ghosts of Past and Future

It has been a while since I have written any articles on this site.  I don’t really feel like my thoughts lately have been original and after having written the articles I have it starts to feel a bit redundant.  It feels like forever since Adam has been alive and yet it feels like yesterday.  This was driven home to me recently by a couple of incidents and I wanted to capture the thoughts here.

I was trying to get a go pro camera working to take out on the boat.  I had bought it a couple of Christmases back and didn’t find it very intuitive so it had languished in my closet unused.  I had forgotten that I had offered it to Adam to use.  I didn’t think he had ever taken me up on it but to my surprise he had actually tried to use it.  The video was nothing special he was talking to the camera about going to play airsoft with his friends.  I think the plan might have been to use the camera while playing airsoft but he must have decided against it.  It was a little jolt from the past seeing him and it made me ache inside for him.  It just reminded me again of how much I miss him and what his loss means.

I usually try to visit his grave at least every two weeks.  The drive out to Georgetown is long and I guess at this point it is too painful for Ashley and Anne to come with me so it can be a pretty lonely experience.  I have flowers planted on his grave and there are underground pots called oyas that I keep full to keep the flowers alive.  I pull a few weeds and water the whole plot to keep things looking nice.  We still don’t have a headstone because I guess it makes his death too real but I bought a small marble plaque with his picture on it to put at the plot so people will know who is buried there. I usually stop before or after to eat lunch.  The drive itself is pretty depressing because I have to go by our old neighborhood and see all the place we use to go together.  I decide to stop in at a place we went a few times called The Noble Pig.  It was never his favorite because the sandwiches were a little fancy but he was starting to appreciate it more as he got older.  There was a boy at the counter who could have been Adam’s twin brother.  My uncle, who lost his son to suicide as well warned me there would be times when I would see Adam in other boys and I have but it was nothing like this.  I couldn’t stop staring.  He looked like Adam at 17.  Taller but the same hair and skin.  He was still a bit self-conscious like Adam would have been.  I wanted to talk to him but I figured it would freak him out.  I know it wasn’t Adam, there were small signs he was different but the resemblance unnerved me.  I felt a mixed reaction of pain and happiness which is pretty much how I live these days.

Our house is full of reminders of Adam.  Our garage still is packed with all of his belongings and we can’t even begin to face what to do with them.  We still have boxes from the table at the funeral filled with his most treasured things at friends houses.  I guess in some way we still haven’t fully faced his leaving us.  I know Anne is struggling and is still taking medications that keep her from feeling the full effect of his loss.  She mentioned to me that she wanted to stop taking them so she could experience the reality of our lives.  I suggested that she was fine where she was and didn’t need this reality right now.  I am not sure when the day will come when we can truly face our loss but I am certain it is not today.  The ghosts of the past and future still haunt me and my pain lurks just under the surface waiting to come out.  God has a plan I suppose and it is far from clear to me what it is and what I am supposed to do now.