Several years ago some friends from our church lost their son to suicide. He was a couple of years older than our oldest daughter Ashley and she knew him a little from school. They had been in a small group with us for about a year but the group had ended so our contact was mainly nodding to each other at church. The mother had also been in Stephen Ministry with me so I would see her weekly at the meetings. We were all deeply affected by his passing. Like Adam he was very well liked and seemed to have enormous potential for an amazing life. I participated with the other Stephen Ministers (A Peer Counseling Group) to help the congregation deal with this terrible loss. I spoke to the family a couple of times but honestly I didn’t know what to say and was afraid of saying the wrong thing even though I had received extensive training on grief counseling. I am ashamed to say we just didn’t offer them much comfort at the time. I just didn’t know what to do to help them.
When Adam took his life this husband and wife were one of the first to show up on our door. I find this an amazing testament to them and to God who knew exactly what we needed and when. They have been a great source of comfort to us and have even gone so far as to take over hosting responsibilities for our foreign exchange student. The father expressed to me that during this process I would be surprised about who was really good at providing comfort and who wasn’t. At the time I found this to be a curious comment but now I understand.
Some of those closest to us remain silent and removed while people I regarded as acquaintances have stepped in and made a concerted effort to stay in contact and to encourage us in our recovery from our loss. I now look back at my lack of engagement with this family and I understand what those around us feel. They don’t know what to say and don’t want to cause us further pain so they avoid contact.
When this first happened we were overwhelmed with people reaching out and providing meals and coming to visit. Now it has dwindled down to a few stalwarts. Life goes on and most people have resumed their normal life and this is perfectly understandable. But I now know what this other family knew. There is nothing anyone can say that will make us feel any worse than we do and we certainly appreciate the efforts and words of encouragement when they come. Texts, phone calls, emails, cards any type of gesture is received with gratitude. I wish I had known this so that I could have been a better friend. Now I do and I will.
One reply on “The Sounds of Silence”
For anyone wishing to comfort someone in their loss, be assured that prayer is real and can be felt palpably. Also, it doesn’t matter so much what you do or how you do it, but that they know you thought of them and their loved one. Our loving Father God will supply the rest and bring you to act at the right time.