This is one of the harder times of year to bear our loss of Adam. Christmas and New Years are about family and spending time together. We obviously don’t have that opportunity unless we want to all gather at the cemetery. It makes one bitter to see all the commercials and Facebook posts of happy families gathering around the Christmas tree opening presents. Christmas decorations are like a dagger in my heart at this point since we had family traditions of decorating the tree and house. We always celebrated New Year’s as a family so this is another reminder of our loss. Adam is constantly in my thoughts and it makes it very difficult to function in the normal world. Everyone is so oblivious to our loss and who can blame them. They are fortunate to be able to live their lives unaware of how fragile everything is.
I read a post from a bible group I am in today and in it the leader talks about how blessed we are and how we should be ready to give away our time, treasure, and talent since our true rewards are in Heaven. This man has experienced losses similar to mine and I know he has found comfort in serving others via missions etc. While I know intellectually I have always lead a blessed life with God constantly rescuing me from my own shortcomings and giving me a loving wife, wonderful children and a successful career now that Adam is gone I am not feeling so blessed anymore. I know that I still have much to be thankful for and that others have suffered far more greatly than I but that seems abstract and my grief is real.
Navigating through each day especially this time of year is a tremendous challenge. We have tried this year to minimize Christmas by not decorating and leaving town over the holiday but it doesn’t work . You just carry the pain around with you wherever you go. I also know it isn’t fair to those who are still here. These holidays were and are a special time and Adam loved this time of year. Our attempt at eliminating the holiday cheats us and those we love of the opportunity to spend time together and remember our dear son. Going forward I am going to try and embrace those things my son loved instead of burying them with him as a way to help strengthen his memory and legacy. I know it won’t bring him back but at least there will be more of him in my life. What I am doing now is not working so obviously I need to find a different approach to life without him.
The same leader I mentioned above sent me a couple of poems that helped him deal with the loss of his son. Given my current state of mind one of them does resonate with me. It goes as follows:
And if I go, While you’re still here…Know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure- behind a thin veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith. I wait for the time when we can soar together again, both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to it’s fullest. And when you need me just whisper my name in your heart, and I will be there.
I am going to try harder to have faith and I will be constantly whispering Adam in my heart because he is always on my mind and always in my heart. I will honor you my son in the way I live and I will see you in my dreams and look forward to the day of God’s choosing when we will be together again.