Time is not on Your Side

Recently another parent clumsily asked me how to stop suicide.  While I didn’t appreciate the manner in which he went about his question I can certainly understand his fear.  Since Adam’s death I have noted a number of suicides among teens and young adults and it troubles me whenever this occurs because I know the pain parents feel when losing their child especially in this manner.

I recently read an article titled “My Teen daughter died by suicide; here is what I want you to know”.  As I read the article there were a few things that were similar to Adam but for the most part her experience was completely different than mine.  This tracks to other conversations I have had with other parents who have lost children to suicide.  Adam did offer us a few clues but they were very subtle.  There was little to nothing to indicate he planned his suicide in advance.  Other parents have shared that there was extensive planning  around their children’s suicides.  I am fairly certain that while there may be some common threads each case is somewhat unique depending upon the person and the circumstances.

The uniqueness of each suicide makes it really difficult to provide hard and fast rules around what can be done to prevent suicide in teens or even detect that it is in your child’s mind.  Given the media coverage and the number of teen suicides each year it is highly likely your child has at least turned over the thought in their mind and you would be surprised at how young an age this starts popping up. Obviously, mental health plays a role in how seriously suicide is considered but there are definitely many cases where mental illness was not diagnosed prior to suicide.  Even when mental illness is diagnosed and treated there is still risk as was the case for Adam.

The point of this article is that there really is no easy way to know or to stop teen suicide or suicide for anyone.  It can be impulsive or planned in secret and if a person is determined to end their life you will have difficulty stopping them.  I can share what I think is the most important ingredient from my experience to prevent suicide or at least to provide comfort for the survivors of suicide; time.

Time is the key to limiting suicide and its after effects on those left behind.  I miss Adam terribly and I know that there is no guarantee that if I had done things differently with him that it would have changed this outcome.  Nonetheless, I am haunted by the time I have wasted in my life,  by the times I chose to do other things rather than spend time with him.  I have massive regrets about my choices and I  believe on some level if I had been more directly engaged with him I would have understood his pain and helped him more than I did.  Regardless of whether it is true or not it is how I feel.  I believe Adam has given us a gift to pause and reflect on how we are spending our lives.  What can we do differently to make sure that we are connecting with those we love and not frittering away our time on frivolous and meaningless things?

I was listening to a radio program and the host was discussing how we ask our teens the wrong question when we see them after school.  Typically,  it is something like “How was your day?” which elicits a mumbled response like “fine” and “Do you have any homework?” no is usually the response to this question and then that is it.  I know I have been a part of those types of conversations with both my son and daughter.  We need to try harder and make sure they know what a priority they are and how glad we are to see them.

Anne told me of a friend of hers that has a daughter who struggled with suicidal thoughts.  When Adam died her friend insisted that her daughter accompany her to Adam’s funeral.  Afterwards she expressed amazement at how much damage had been done and was awakened to what her loss would do to her family and friends.  I hope this is something that came through to every teen sitting in that room that day.  You are not alone, you are loved and cared for by many in spite of how you may feel.  Yes there is cruelty and disappointment and fear in the world but you always have people around you that will do anything they can to help you through it.

Time is not our friend.  It is finite and it is so easy to spend it in the wrong way.  It doesn’t take the loss of a child to wake up one day full of regret for the lost opportunities you have had with your children.  They grow up and leave or they can be taken away in an instant so make sure you are doing everything you can to spend time with them and to fully convey your feelings to them.  This more than anything else will impact suicide and it after effects.