Misery Loves Company… Apparently

On the eve of my 52nd birthday, the first one I will spend with out Adam physically here since he was born 16 years ago I feel very heavy with his loss.  Fewer and fewer people talk about Adam which in some ways is a relief due to some of the comments kindhearted, well-meaning people feel compelled to make.

The first category of these people are the ones that want you to understand that they have suffered loss and that due to this they understand my feelings and sadness.  While I am certain that people who have lost loved one to suicide or traumatic tragedy have a better idea of what I am going through they have no idea what I am feeling.  This type of loss effects every person differently based on the relationship they had with Adam (or their own loved one) and is based on their personality and how they deal with adversity.  I can tell you within my own family we are each dealing with our loss of Adam very differently and I don’t presume to fully understand the depth of loss from my wife or daughter.  Therefore please don’t assume you understand either.

The second category are those who feel compelled to share stories of other people’s losses and how they are worse than yours and how they overcame these losses.  Again I do appreciate the fact that these people are making an attempt to help and from a purely rational perspective I get what they are saying.  However, it really doesn’t provide any comfort to know other people have suffered.  I am very aware that teenage suicide rates are climbing and that there have been several other people in our community that have lost children recently.  This does not make me feel better in anyway to know this.  I am also aware that life can be cruel and that through accidents and bad luck children can be taken away. Again this does not give me strength or make me feel better knowing I am not alone in my loss.

I suppose some others may take comfort from support groups with others who have experienced similar losses and I am glad that works for them.  It is important to understand the grieving process is unique to each person and what works best for one person may not work for another.  The stages of grief as a process are a myth.  You can experience all of them simultaneously or never feel any one of them as you process your loss.  At this point other than writing this blog I am not really sure what gives me comfort.  I pray, I read the bible, I go to a men’s bible study, I visit Adam at the cemetery.  None of it really helps me to get over the fact that my son is gone and I miss him so much.  I feel like such a failure and I feel like I let him and my entire family down and I am pretty sure nothing is going to change that for me, especially stories about other people’s losses.

Keep in mind this is just my perspective right now.  it does not apply to everyone else who has suffered loss.  You need to ask them how they feel about these things since everyone is different.  What I need is prayer and friendship.  I do appreciate it when people let me know they are thinking about me or my family especially when they mention their memories of Adam.  Even though I am deeply wounded and will unlikely reach out to anyone for help ( it is not my way), I am always happy to meet up for lunch or whatever to keep up relationships with people who knew my son and would be comforted by sharing memories.  I am also deeply grateful to those of you who reach out to Anne and Ashley and try to help and comfort them.  They need all the love and care they can get because we are so lost without Adam.  We just don’t know what to do without him.  I am also so grateful for the remaining blessings I have.  God has been so good to us and it is hard to keep that in  mind when you have suffered this type of loss.  I know that Adam is with Christ and this does takeaway some of death’s sting.

Misery loves and needs company not to spread it further but to stop it in its tracks.  Messages of hope and renewal are the path to recovery for us.  Hope and faith are the tools God gives us to overcome the world and the pain it can inflict upon us.  Remember that no matter how bad things might be in your life that through love and faith all things can be overcome through Christ.  He is our strength and I know he will carry us through these dark times.