One of the frequent thoughts I wrestle with is how my son who by every indication was a sweet, loving, friendly, cheerful boy chose to end his life. I didn’t know the person who took this action and struggle to understand him or to know where he came from or how long he had replaced Adam.
I have mentioned before that I have received training to recognize the symptoms of suicide and in hindsight I suppose there were symptoms from Adam that we had been told to look for. He was having some difficulty sleeping and his grades had dropped a bit. Both of these signs were written off to the new school year and him getting adjusted to the pace of his sophomore year. His personality had changed a little but again this was easily explained by his age since it was expected as a 15 year old he would start to mature some. The point of all this review is that we really had no warning at all. Granted, as I have mentioned previously he was being treated for depression and anxiety but he had not shown any drastic changes in his behavior that would lead us to conclude he was considering ending his life.
I guess on some level mental illness is almost a form of possession where a person is taken over and says and acts in ways that are not consistent with their normal personality. Unfortunately for us Adam did not really act in a way that set off alarms in us or anyone else who interacted with him on a daily basis. I wish he had done something extremely out of character but even then the thought of him ending his life was so far beyond us considering it.
Recently, a high profile rock star took his life and his wife wrote an open letter where she said that she knew it was not him that ended his life. I can relate to this. I do not believe Adam did this and whatever took over his mind and led him to his final decision came up so quickly we had no chance to respond. Hindsight is merciless in this situation but in order to survive mentally you have to understand that the sweet boy we knew was not the one that went down this dark path.
I know it is a little scary to consider how quickly things can turn but unfortunately that is how life in the “world” works. I am comforted by the fact he is with our Savior and I pray to Adam and for Adam every day. When my time comes I look forward to our reunion because I know the Adam that I knew will be waiting for me.