Damned if You Do Damned if You Don’t

Back in November I was searching for some appropriate way to memorialize Adam and I came up with idea to commission a statue. I had no idea how involved the process is and how long it takes but last week it finally arrived.  Anne and Ashley had already departed for a birthday/Mother’s Day trip to Napa Valley so my plan was to give it to her Sunday when they got back.  As with most plans this one went awry due to a miscommunication around the plane’s arrival time back.  It was so late when they got home it didn’t seem right to show it to her at midnight after a long day of travel.  I suspect this statue will evoke a lot of emotion in Anne and I am concerned about how she will react.  I am left in a potential lose lose situation.  As I have wrestled with this I am struck by how many other situations mirror this one in which it seems no matter what I choose I can lose.

While we are struggling as a family with Adam’s loss Anne in particular has been hit the hardest.  Her devotion to Adam was complete and she cannot even begin to deal with the reality of his loss.  Images of him can trigger intense bouts of sadness.  This was not something I took into account back in November.  It is possible this gesture on my part could not have it’s intended effect.  But what is the alternative?  To obliterate Adam’s memory from our minds and space?  I know this is not the right thing to do,  We need him in our lives and cannot  exist without him with us.  So I am stuck. If I move forward with the statue I could trigger intense sadness in my wife.  If I don’t act on my convictions I am not honoring Adam or keeping his memory alive which is essential. So like the title of the article says it seems I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Life seems to present a lot of these dilemmas.  Listening to the radio or watching TV is a way to distract my mind from dwelling on the enormity of Adam’s loss but inevitably there will be a commercial or some subject that come up that causes me pain. Silence and stillness is bad because eventually my mind will wander to thoughts that cause me pain but the distraction can be as bad or worse.  Again it appears I am damned either way.

Beyond my loss I reflect back on all the choices I had as a parent or as a husband where I found myself in no win situations.  Situations where regardless of my choice there were negative consequences.  Sometime even not choosing an action would have negative consequences.  How do we maneuver through these experiences? If I am strict I jeopardize the relationship with my child. If I am lax my child will not learn how to become a mature adult.  If I am honest with my wife about her actions our relationship will sour.  If I keep quiet our relationship will still sour.  It seems to never end and it impacts our joy and quality of our life.

What do you do in a lose lose situation?  I think the answer is you do what is right no matter the consequences.  You reflect and pray and follow the path that seems correct no matter the outcome.  If we allow ourselves to become paralyzed by the potential of negative outcomes we lose anyway.  Damned if you do or damned if you don’t is an illusion from the devil.  Don’t let your fear of the future prevent you from taking the steps in your life you know you need to take. “For we walk by faith, not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:7.  If we live by the convictions of our heart and act on them in faith we overcome the negative outcomes we fear.  My choice is to proceed.  I know God is with me and that it will go well.