Who am I? I struggle with this question daily now. My identity was so wrapped up in being Adam’s dad that now that he is gone I am not sure what to do with myself. So much of what I did and why I did it was centered around him and with his departure from this world I am left with a giant void in my life. I have read comparisons to what people experience when they lose a limb. There is a phantom pain from the lost limb that they still feel as if it were still there. This feeling I have isn’t quite that but an “amputation of part of my soul” might be an apt description for my loss.
As I start to circulate in the world again I meet new people and they invariably ask me about how many kids I have. I had mentioned in a previous article about meeting a man who had lost his son several years ago to suicide. He brought this up to me because I guess he knew it would be an issue. He told me he tells them he has two children but one took his own life. While I admire his candor and courage to be so upfront about this I just don’t feel comfortable putting that on a complete stranger or even a new acquaintance. In my view it puts a huge burden on the other person. What are they supposed to say? What can they say? In my mind I had two kids but now I have one. Adam will always be in my heart but he is gone and it is different. Other people who barely know me don’t need to be saddened with my loss.
I am still a dad to my daughter Ashley but it is a very different thing than being Adam’s dad. Ashley is older and more independent. While we share quite a bit in common and I cherish our relationship as much as Adam’s there were unique things I shared with Adam. Whenever I see commercials for Marvel movies like “Guardians of the Galaxy 2” or for video games or I see “Lord of the Rings” on the TV it is like a thousand tiny daggers piercing my heart. Those were things I liked and shared with him and now they are so linked to him I can hardly bear even hearing about them. We went to Disney so many times with him I cannot see anything associated with Disney without being swept away with melancholy.
I recently took up sailing. I had always dreamed of Adam and I sharing this activity. I had even booked lessons once on Lake Travis but the wind never seemed to cooperate. This summer when he went to camp in Michigan I was excited to learn one of the activities was sailing and I hope he would come back with a desire to sail. Our busy lives prevented us from following through on this so I vowed to not let this happen again and purchased a boat just to make sure. I met with a friend recently who shared a story he heard from another person who had lost a child. He said that when you lose a child it is like you are sailing and there is a giant hole in your sail. The wind blows (the world continues around you) but you are stuck going nowhere. Eventually with time this hole can be stitched. It will never be as good as it was before but it will hold wind and you can move forward.
It is my belief and hope that God will stitch this sail and fill the hole in my heart. Hopefully, some day I can take Adam’s friends out on the boat and we will feel his presence with us and be comforted. You are always welcome on my boat and know that when you sail with me you are sailing with my son because I bring him in my heart everywhere I go. I have lost my identity but God willing I will find it again and I will have peace.