A week ago I lost a friend to Covid. We had not spoken since Adam died. I kept up with him on Facebook and liked some of his posts. Our lives had gone in different directions and I had just not done a good job of keeping up. I could say this about a lot of people in my life but his untimely departure from this world gives me pause. Ryan Holiday is the author of the Daily Stoic and is the one who introduced me to the saying Memento Mori which means, “remember you must die”. Holiday states in his writings that most people think of death as an event in the future but in reality we die a little each day and we don’t know what the future holds so death could really happen at any time. While this can be a depressing thought it is also a wake up call to use our time well and not take our friends and family for granted.
I have touched on this topic in other articles but it was more related to the loss of my son and my regrets in not spending more or better time with him. I have enormous guilt about this and know I could have been a better father to him. It might not have changed the outcome but at least I would have some peace that I had done everything I could to be the best dad for him. This is a different kind of regret. It is about an opportunity lost. My friend Blandy was a very kind person who thought of others and was very well liked and will be greatly missed.
When Adam died he came to the visitation even though we had not spoken for several years. His thoughtfulness in coming is only dawning on me now since I was preoccupied in my own grief. I observed through Facebook how committed he was to his family and the time he took to help others in need. Earlier last year he was making face shields for health care workers. I am sure if I had taken the effort to stay in touch it would have been to my benefit.
I have deliberately kept my friends in two categories; before Adam’s death and after. Most of the people I interact with that were my friends before Adam died are people I work with or family. Most of my friends from church and Adam’s school just kind of faded but I do still keep up with some passively on Facebook like I did with Blandy. It is painful and awkward when I do see them because I can tell they just don’t know what to say and for me it is just a reminder of what once was. Some of my new friends know about Adam and some don’t. I don’t deliberately hide it but I consider it personal and not something I dwell on. Sometime it is a relief to be around people who don’t know so I can just be in the moment and leave my grief behind.
Blandy’s death has me thinking this approach to life might be a little short sighted on my part. Leaving friends behind especially good people like Blandy cheats us and deprives us of fellowship and love. It is easy to withdraw when you are wounded and to not reach out but it is not the best way to live. Not everyone has lost a child and they still let life separate them from their friends and think they will have time later to catch up when things slow down. Things never slow down and I think those things are not as important as reaching out to people who can enrich our lives. Remember you will die and make sure you spend the time you have left in the best way you can. Reach out to your old friends and let them know how much you appreciate them.