I have been listening to podcasts from Jordan Peterson in my ongoing quest for enlightenment and understanding. He is a controversial figure who has experienced his own setbacks and challenges but I hear a ring of truth in his words. His podcast titled TRANSFORM YOURSELF INTO A MONSTER! Face The Tragedy of Life struck a chord with me as something I have inadvertently become due to the experiences of my life. After Adam’s death I felt a sense of detachment that was necessary for me to continue to function. I marvel at how effective I was in dealing with this tragedy while having my heart broken. Since then I have experienced other tragedies and hardships and I just seem to harden up and keep going. I wonder if on some level life is taking away my empathy and feelings. When I hear of others and their tragedies I am less empathetic than I once was. How do we overcome tragedies in our lives without hardening our hearts?
Peterson believes that tragedies are inevitable in life and that having the mental fortitude to withstand them is critical. I have also studied Stoic philosophers like Marcus Aurelius who talk about pragmatism in the face of loss. Aurelius lost most of his family to an epidemic and ruled over Rome during one of the most challenging periods in its history. His response to all the hardship was to give thanks that it happened to him and not someone else since he was mentally strong enough to handle it.
I often think in a similar way that I am here to be a source of strength for others and that no matter what happens that I will be able to overcome it. I don’t ask for hardship but when it comes the only thing you can do is to absorb the blow and keep going. Usually, the loss of a child results in self medication, mental illness, therapy, stress related illness, divorce, bankruptcy and more. I am one of the few who can say my faith in God, my mental strength, and the love and support of my family and friends have allowed me to escape these after effects. I just hope it was not at the expense of my ability to sympathize with others.
Life can force us to become monsters in many ways to continue functioning in the face of adversity. I ruthlessly police my mind to avoid thoughts that are not useful to my development and lead to self pity. I know others have experienced worse than me and some have gone on to live happy and fruitful lives. Sometimes we must be strong for those around us to give them something to hold onto in the storms life generates. I continue to struggle everyday with Adam’s loss but I know that I must move forward and that there will be other crises in my life that will require strength. We must banish thoughts from our minds that do not serve us well.
When I was training for Stephen Ministry, a Christian based peer counseling group, they warned us about over empathizing with others. The metaphor they used was that you couldn’t pull someone up from a ditch if you were in it with them. You needed to be firmly anchored to the shore to be able to extend your hand and pull them up. That stuck with me and I think it plays a role in how I respond to tragedy. There is also something inherent in me that detaches during times of stress. I can remember being at my wife’s grandmothers funeral and one of her brothers was supposed to give a eulogy but they were all so emotional they could not speak so I ended up delivering the eulogy. It was strange speaking to a room full of people I barely knew about a person I had only met a few years earlier and had barely known. But I sensed a strength that others did not possess that helped them and made me feel good about myself. Peterson talks about being the person that is strong at funerals and I guess that is me. I guess that detachment I feel inside is not coldness but strength and resolve to do what is needed for those around you. I do not have the luxury of collapsing in grief. I must be the one others lean on in times of trouble and that is a good thing. So if I am indeed a monster as Peterson describes then I am the best kind of monster. A monster with a purpose to console others and to be there when needed. Peterson says we should all try to find a higher, noble purpose to give our lives meaning. I guess this is mine.