Categories
Grief, Personal Development

A Life Unlived

Every year we have dates that are particularly painful.  Christmas, Adam’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day all generate melancholy for us as we think of what should have been.  This year there is an added element of pain as all of Adam’s classmates graduate from high school and make plans for their future.  Logging into Facebook is like a game of Russian Roulette as proud parents announce their children’s successful completion of high school and their college destination.  We have  posted those types of messages in the past without a thought that there might be friends out there who have lost children so I certainly can’t blame anyone for doing this type of thing. Some have even sent us graduation announcements.  When I see these announcements I can’t help but wonder about the thought process on the other end.  Was there any thought or did the person think it was better to include us than exclude us?  I will err on the positive side and think that even though they recognized it would hurt us they still want us to feel included in their lives.

This weekend was particularly wrenching as one of Adam’s lifelong friends was recognized for graduating by his church.  He and his family wanted to include a memorial to Adam in his slide show given what Adam’s friendship meant to him growing up.  We were touched by this gesture and Anne wanted to go which is a huge step for her in her grief journey.  There was no way I was going to let her go by herself so I went too.  Since Adam’s death I have not been to very many church services.  I resent God for letting Adam die even though I know all of the explanations offered for this type of thing. I still can’t help it.  Also given the fact that church was a big part of our life when Adam was alive means that attending church causes painful memories to bubble up every time I go.  Lots of families sitting together worshiping and blissfully unaware of how quickly life can change.  It is very hard to take.  This service was no different.  Lots of hymns telling us to be happy and trust God etc. Pastors giving Adam’s contemporaries words of wisdom about the next stage in their life. Pronouncements about the future that we no longer have as parents and Adam no longer has as our son.  It is a life unlived by us and him.

I appreciate the thoughtfulness of this family to share this moment and to remember Adam.  I wonder how many other of our friends think about him and keep his memory alive.  I am sure it is painful for them to think about Adam and the temptation is to let life wash away the pain. I wanted to let the people who knew Adam know that we do appreciate these types of gestures and even though it opens wounds and causes tears to flow that it is far better than the alternative.  I am not sure there is meaning in Adam’s death that can be sourced for something positive.  My daughter Ashley and I were discussing that if people truly understood the pain suicide causes for the survivors then maybe it would prevent some from happening but that is not a given since suicide is not a rational act.  I do know that forgetting Adam is wrong even though the pain is made fresher by his friends going on with their lives.  We are happy for them but envious all the same that their lives continue while ours with Adam came to an abrupt end.

I hope some day we will be able to view Adam’s time with us as a gift.  To be able to look back at a wonderful loving son who brought us and others happiness and joy.  He was a great boy and a good friend to those who knew him.  This event reminded me of that so it was a good thing.  Thank you to those that remember Adam and know that we will always love him and keep his memory alive in our hearts no matter how hard that may be for us.  Our life with Adam was interrupted and we do have faith in God that it is but a short time before it will resume.  Until that day comes we will honor his memory here on earth as best we can and certainly be grateful to others who do likewise.