There is a hole in my heart where the rain gets in.
I lost you and the pain never ends.
No matter how much sun it still feels the same.
I can’t seem to shake the clouds and the rain.
This phrase keeps bouncing around in my head and while there are lots of songs and poems that come close I could never find one that got it exactly right for me so I made an attempt to write my own. I read a post from someone the other day who had lost a loved one and they observed that life will never be the same and it resonated with me because that is exactly right. I also think it depends on how much that person is involved in your daily life. Obviously, Adam was right in the center so his loss hits me every minute of every day no matter what else is happening.
We just recently celebrated Ashley’s graduation from UT. It was everything you would hope for in a celebration. Family and friends gathering together to honor her impressive achievement. It was a great weekend yet looming over it all for me was Adam. He should have been here with us like always and I am sure he would have been so happy for her. We believe as Christians that Adam is still with us in spirit but it doesn’t help me much with the ache in my heart. I miss him so much and these occasions even though they are happy times just seem to intensify my feelings of loss. The problem is I don’t see this changing and I am not sure I would want it to since it would mean that I am not thinking about him.
Life has a natural progression and we know death is part of it. We expect that our parents will precede us in death and while it is extremely painful and we miss them it just doesn’t have the same impact as losing a child. I am not sure what to do with my feelings except to endure them and cling to my belief that he is still with me. I talk to him every day but I am not sure I can feel his presence in response. I hope that this will change over time and that he will be more present with me. Maybe as my pain subsides there will be more room for him in my heart and the hole will close. Time will tell.