Month: June 2017

I have been following a reading plan on the bible this year and one of the chapters I have been reading is 2nd Samuel.  David lost two sons in very traumatic ways and it is interesting how he responded to those two losses.  I think it is instructive on how we are meant to view death and also how we respond to hardships that are ongoing involving people who are still with us.

David loses his first child when he committed adultery with Bathsheba and arranged for her husband to be killed on the battlefield.  Bathsheba had born him a son and as punishment for his sins it was decreed by God that the child would perish.  I would think losing a child this way would be especially hard on David.  The child was innocent and a victim of David’s sins.

I would think the guilt for this would be overwhelming.  With Adam’s loss I reviewed all the things I have done wrong in my life and wonder if somehow I caused it.  I know this is not how it works but I still can’t help but think something I did or didn’t do led to Adam’s demise.  With David however there is no doubt that it is his fault because he is told so by Nathan.

His response when his child turns ill is that “He pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent nights lying in sackcloth on the ground.” 2 Samuel 12:16. What is most telling about David’s response was when the child actually dies.  His advisers are terrified to give him the news considering how he had reacted when the child was ill but when he learns the news he gets up cleans himself up, goes and worships the Lord, and then goes home and eats.  They question him about how he could act like he did and he responds, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought , ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him but he will not return to me.” 2nd Samuel 12:22-23.

What David is saying is that when you are dealing with adversity in your life do everything you can to seek assistance from God but once his son had passed there was nothing else he could do.  Sometimes, I think we have it backwards.  When our loved ones are among us and experiencing problems we don’t always give it our all in seeking God’s help for them but once they are gone we spend enormous amounts of energy mourning them when it is too late.  My take away from this is to try and focus on the living and vigorously seek God’s help for them and myself versus dwelling too much on things I can’t change.  it is easier said than done but it is my goal.

The other loss David experiences is his son, Absolom.  Absolom attempts to overthrow his father and take his life in the process yet when David hears the news of his death he said, “O my son Absolom! My son, my son Absolom! If only I had died instead of you…” 2 Samuel 18:33. I can certainly relate to this response.  I would trade places in a heartbeat with Adam if it would bring him back to this world.  Even though Absolom had betrayed David his love for him was unchanged and he was willing to sacrifice himself to bring his son back.  Even when those we love act in ways that disappoint us we really never stop loving them and want the best for them.

Finally, David was rebuked by his followers for allowing his grief to interfere with his responsibilities to his subjects.  When David hears this he gets up and assumes his responsibilities again as King of Israel.  The lesson we can learn from David and his grief for Absolom is that no matter how bad we feel about the loss we still have obligations to the living.  We cannot allow our grief to interfere with our relationships with those who have survived and are also suffering.  We owe it to those we love to take care of ourselves and to not allow our grief to create even more sorrow by neglecting ourselves or others no matter how we feel.  God will give us the strength to go on but we must seek him and have faith.

It would be easy to let my grief swallow me up and consume my life but I know this will not change anything.  I must look forward to those I love that are still with me and give it my all to love them and seek God in aiding them in any way I can.

On the eve of my 52nd birthday, the first one I will spend with out Adam physically here since he was born 16 years ago I feel very heavy with his loss.  Fewer and fewer people talk about Adam which in some ways is a relief due to some of the comments kindhearted, well-meaning people feel compelled to make.

The first category of these people are the ones that want you to understand that they have suffered loss and that due to this they understand my feelings and sadness.  While I am certain that people who have lost loved one to suicide or traumatic tragedy have a better idea of what I am going through they have no idea what I am feeling.  This type of loss effects every person differently based on the relationship they had with Adam (or their own loved one) and is based on their personality and how they deal with adversity.  I can tell you within my own family we are each dealing with our loss of Adam very differently and I don’t presume to fully understand the depth of loss from my wife or daughter.  Therefore please don’t assume you understand either.

The second category are those who feel compelled to share stories of other people’s losses and how they are worse than yours and how they overcame these losses.  Again I do appreciate the fact that these people are making an attempt to help and from a purely rational perspective I get what they are saying.  However, it really doesn’t provide any comfort to know other people have suffered.  I am very aware that teenage suicide rates are climbing and that there have been several other people in our community that have lost children recently.  This does not make me feel better in anyway to know this.  I am also aware that life can be cruel and that through accidents and bad luck children can be taken away. Again this does not give me strength or make me feel better knowing I am not alone in my loss.

I suppose some others may take comfort from support groups with others who have experienced similar losses and I am glad that works for them.  It is important to understand the grieving process is unique to each person and what works best for one person may not work for another.  The stages of grief as a process are a myth.  You can experience all of them simultaneously or never feel any one of them as you process your loss.  At this point other than writing this blog I am not really sure what gives me comfort.  I pray, I read the bible, I go to a men’s bible study, I visit Adam at the cemetery.  None of it really helps me to get over the fact that my son is gone and I miss him so much.  I feel like such a failure and I feel like I let him and my entire family down and I am pretty sure nothing is going to change that for me, especially stories about other people’s losses.

Keep in mind this is just my perspective right now.  it does not apply to everyone else who has suffered loss.  You need to ask them how they feel about these things since everyone is different.  What I need is prayer and friendship.  I do appreciate it when people let me know they are thinking about me or my family especially when they mention their memories of Adam.  Even though I am deeply wounded and will unlikely reach out to anyone for help ( it is not my way), I am always happy to meet up for lunch or whatever to keep up relationships with people who knew my son and would be comforted by sharing memories.  I am also deeply grateful to those of you who reach out to Anne and Ashley and try to help and comfort them.  They need all the love and care they can get because we are so lost without Adam.  We just don’t know what to do without him.  I am also so grateful for the remaining blessings I have.  God has been so good to us and it is hard to keep that in  mind when you have suffered this type of loss.  I know that Adam is with Christ and this does takeaway some of death’s sting.

Misery loves and needs company not to spread it further but to stop it in its tracks.  Messages of hope and renewal are the path to recovery for us.  Hope and faith are the tools God gives us to overcome the world and the pain it can inflict upon us.  Remember that no matter how bad things might be in your life that through love and faith all things can be overcome through Christ.  He is our strength and I know he will carry us through these dark times.