Month: March 2017

I had mentioned in a previous article that Adam had some difficulties when he was born.  Adam was 9 pounds 11 ounces and I suspect his size created some issues for him coming out of the womb.  He came out gray and was rushed to Neonatal Intensive Care.  He quickly recovered but doctors kept him in ICU for a week.  The sight of Adam at his size next to all of the prematurely born babies that typically occupy Neonatal ICUs would have almost been comical except for the circumstances.  The point of this story is that from all outside appearances Adam was a big healthy baby but this was not necessarily the case.

Throughout Adam’s life from the outside he was extremely blessed.  He was very healthy once he got beyond that initial time in the ICU.  In fact he never went to the hospital once during his short life.  I can’t even remember having to take him to the emergency room.  While I am sure I am somewhat biased I also believed he was very handsome and had been blessed with great features.  So by all outside standards he was blessed by God.

He was also blessed with a family that loved him and would do anything for him.  His older sister was very kind to him and spent time with him whenever she could and he had two very committed parents. We took numerous trips to Disney World, California, Boston Colorado etc. to try and enrich his life with experiences that I never had and I am sure most of you did not experience as a child.  He lacked for nothing because his nature was such that you wanted to do nice things for him.  He was so appreciative and sweet it just felt good to do nice things for him.  He never demanded or expected anything and this was what made him such a joy to be around.

He had a rich spiritual life.  He had gone to religious private schools most of his life and we had been active members of churches with him attending youth classes most of his life.  He had gone to Pine Cove Summer Camp the last few years and was involved with Hill Country Bible Church’s Backyard Bible Club.  At the time of his death he was attending  by his own choice a Monday small group at Hill Country and Alpha, which is another Christian based program.

In spite of all of this he did struggle emotionally,  He was very vulnerable to bullying and took everything other people said very personally.  Since about third grade he had experienced signs of anxiety and depression and we sought out recommended counselors to help us with his issues. Ultimately, this led to his seeing a psychiatrist and being diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression and put on a low dosage of Lexapro.  He had been on this medication for over a year and by all indications it seemed to take the edge off his anxiety and depression.

My belief is that based on appearances and circumstances  none of us including his psychiatrist could fathom or understand what was going on inside his mind.  We looked at Adam and saw a bright, funny, gifted boy with an amazing future.  He saw something totally different.  According to an article from Psychology Today titled “Understanding Survivors of Suicide Loss” “the primary goal of suicide is not to end life but to end pain. People in the grips of suicidal depression are battling an emotional agony where living becomes objectionable.”  The problem we had was that none of us including the professionals caring for Adam had a clue he was in so much pain.

The takeaway from all this is that don’t assume because others appear to be thriving that they are.  We were lulled into a false sense of security because we thought we had given Adam everything he could possibly need from love, security, spirituality, etc.  Everyone struggles and it is important to take the time to make sure things are truly as they appear.  Keep this in mind with your own kids and also those around you.  Most of us put on a brave face and no one knows what pains, doubts and fears we struggle with in our hearts.

Recently, I met with a friend who was struggling with some choices he was making in his life.  He had been starting to address some of his issues and was presented with a temptation.  He commented to me that he was sure that God wants us to be happy and he thought pursuing this temptation might result in happiness.  Apparently, God was preparing me for this conversation because a few days earlier I had read a commentary from a pastor discussing happiness.

The pastor’s name is Nicky Gumbel and this is specifically what he wrote and what I shared with my friend. “We all want to live happy lives.”Happiness”, wrote Aristotle,”Is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” But there is something even better, greater and deeper than happiness. Happiness is dependent on what happens; our circumstances. Joy is far deeper and is not so dependent on our outward circumstances.  It is a blessing from God.”  To paraphrase a bit Joy comes from an encounter with Jesus Christ.

The point of this differentiation between happiness and Joy is that happiness is fleeting.  it is tied to people and situations.  People can be taken away or disappoint us.  Wealth can vanish.  Health is also tenuous.  All of the things we think can make us happy can go away in a flash.  The other point that is true is that external things will never truly make us happy.  True happiness comes from within and I suspect this type of happiness is just another form of Joy. Our belief and faith in Christ and his gift of salvation for us and those we love can never be taken away and if you truly buy into this no matter what happens in your life you will still have Joy in your heart.

All suffering is temporary.  It may not feel like it at the time but just like the external forms of happiness this oppression from the world will eventually cease.  When life deals you setbacks it is important to lean into the Lord and to listen.  Wisdom can be gained from the pain we experience. God does not cause our pain but he can help us to learn from it so that we can live our lives in obedience to his will.  I told my friend “God loves you and wants good things for you but true happiness is not going to come from outside people or situations.  It will come from God and it will start in your heart and radiate out.”  I wish I understood this better when Adam was alive because I know it was a big part of his struggle.  He was too young to understand this and I wish I had recognized that this was something he needed to hear.

I was recently talking with another father who had lost his son.  His son was much older than Adam, almost done with college.  He was reflecting on some of the music and writings he found and how dark they were. He also had expressed admiration for another father who had been very strict on allowing his son access to the internet.  I had always felt that if you raised your kids the right way and instilled in them a strong moral compass that micro-managing your kid’s access to music and media would be counterproductive and that you could trust your kids until they gave you a reason not to trust them.  Given the proliferation of harmful content on the internet and how easy it is to get to it I am starting to wonder if my ideas on parenting were incredibly naive.  I can’t help but wonder if some of Adam’s issues were the result of some of the things he was reading and seeing on the internet.

I have read since Adam’s death that the numbers of teens dealing with depression has increased substantially.  One study says that five times as many high school and college students today deal with anxiety and mental health issues than the youth of the same age who were studied in the Great Depression era.  Adam had been diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression and was being treated by a psychiatrist who had last seen him in August.  The feedback we had received from this doctor was that Adam was doing well and had responded well to the anti-depressant and was moving towards a point in the future where he would no longer need it.  He had been on the drug for a while so the usual caution observed when people first start on these types of drugs was no longer in our minds.

Obviously, things changed for Adam from August to October and if I look back some of the books he was reading were not the most uplifting.  His interest in science fiction fantasy from a writing perspective caused him to seek out books that were on the darker side.  I assume this was also true for some of his internet interactions but mainly I saw him watching funny videos on Yahoo.  He was definitely picking up something that was not good for his soul but he covered his tracks pretty well on his phone and computers so I will never know for sure.

It is all speculation at this point and Adam’s decision to end his life was a multi-layered choice based on a lot of different factors including his mental illness and possibly the effects of the prescribed drugs he was taking but I do know in hindsight I should have been way more proactive with him on what he was reading and what he was doing on the internet with his phone and computer.  I trusted him and I do think for the most part he followed my wishes but even just consuming depressing, dark, violent content can harm our kids in ways we can’t imagine.  There are a lot of reasons why there is more depression and anxiety among our kids today but one thing I think we can do is to make sure they are not being overwhelmed by violent and dark content in their reading and gaming because I think it makes a difference especially in kids that are already vulnerable.

Just like what you put in your body nutritionally;what you put in your mind matters both for us and our children.  It doesn’t take much dark or violent content to pollute our souls much like the yeast in Jesus story to the apostles. “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough” Gal 5:9.  I don’t think you can be too strict given what is at stake and I would encourage everyone to begin open discussions with each other and your children about what you are consuming via books and social media too make sure it is not creating a sense of hopelessness and despair.

One of the more challenging aspects of grief is the constant weight you seem to be carrying with you due to the loss.  Anne, Ashley and I all have commented on how physically drained we are from this experience.  I am sure depression has a physiological effect on the body but it is still surprising how just doing little things can result in a feeling of exhaustion and how daunting even the most trivial task can seem when you are in the throes of grief.

I experienced an example the other day of how powerful the mind can be in controlling perception of reality.  Ashley and I went out and ordered coffee for us and Anne.  Anne’s preferred Starbucks order is a Cinnamon Dolce Latte and Ashley had ordered a Mocha.  When I went to heat up Anne’s coffee I discovered it was a Mocha.   Ashley had consumed Anne’s drink by mistake without noticing it was a very different flavor.  Her mind told her it was a Mocha so she tasted Mocha.  The point of this drawn out story is to illustrate that our physical and mental state is dictated by the perception of our mind.  If we allow it to our mind will keep us in a drained state due to the stress and despair we feel over Adam’s loss.  Faith goes both ways. You can choose to believe you will never be happy again or you can choose to believe God ‘s promises that he will heal you and give you the strength to overcome your pain.

God wants us to be happy and gives us the power within our own mind to choose.  It is hard to find Him in this loss of our dear son but there was great joy in Adam and his life and if we seek it out the weight of his loss will lessen.  It is a matter of perspective but getting to that point takes time and faith.  I hope some day that I can pray as David did in Psalm 30 Verses 11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”  You were and are not heavy Adam you are my son and I will love you forever.

Yesterday was Adam’s 16th birthday.  As you can imagine it was a bittersweet day for us.  Many people reached out to provide comfort and to share their love for us and for Adam.  All of Adam’s classmates gathered together to share memories of him and to celebrate his life.  We are so grateful for these acts of remembrance and for having the opportunity to know and experience Adam.  As the pain of his loss lessens slightly it is replaced by a sense of confusion about who we are and what we are supposed to do with our lives now that one of the key elements has been taken away.

There are so many triggers to remind me of Adam but the ones that are most painful remind me of the things we were going to do.  It was my job to help him become a man and teach him independence.  It was a responsibility I took very seriously and now that role for me is no more.  I know that Anne and Ashley have expressed similar sentiments about their confusion regarding the future and how to live it without Adam.

I met a remarkable man who lost his son under similar circumstances.  he was a youth pastor at a local church at one point and was involved in heading a small group of teenagers that included his son.  When his son died he continued his involvement with the group.  This seems amazing to me.  His response was that he was already geared up to work with his son and others and it would have felt unnatural to do anything other than to continue.  Obviously, God was involved with this and provided him with a purpose to continue and I am sure this provided him great comfort.

Adam’s friends are important to me and I want to help them in any way I can.  I think this will ultimately help me more than hurt me but right now it is very hard to be around them without experiencing sadness and yearning for my son.  So many scriptures talk about loss and how God will fill the hole left in your life by the loss of a loved on but when you are in the midst of that loss it is easy to question how this could possibly happen.  We will continue to try and be strong and believe God’s promises but it is easier said than done.  We wait on God and trust in his love.