Month: February 2017

As I read through my previous blogs I realized that the tone is a little bleak.  Obviously there are good reasons for this considering what happened to Adam and to us but there is an underlying hope that I want to make sure is conveyed. 2 Timothy 2:1 says, “You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.”  This is obviously much easier to accomplish when you have not lost your son but as a believer in Christ I felt blessed before Adam took his life and still do.  God has done amazing things in my life and I am confident this will continue.  I wore this bracelet for several years before losing Adam and continue to wear it today knowing that nothing has changed.

Adam is and was a tremendous blessing in our life.  We had lost a previous child to a miscarriage and were so grateful when Adam was conceived.  The fact that he was going to be a boy made us even happier since we wanted the experience of raising a daughter and a son.  When Adam was born he came out in trouble and had to spend a week in Neonatal Intensive Care.  This made us even more appreciative to have him in our lives.  From the beginning he was such a sweet child.  Throughout his life he was nothing but loving to us and to others and obedient to us in every way.  There is a tendency when someone passes to review their life with hyperbole and overstate their virtues and understate their shortcomings.  I can promise you with Adam this is not the case. We were very fortunate to have him for the 15 years we did and we know this and are so grateful  We just wish it could have been longer.

My wife Anne and I were discussing some of her feelings around the loss and in response I was expressing my own biggest wish which is that he was still with us.  I miss him so much and there is so much I still want to share with him but I know that is impossible to do in the same way.  Nor would it be good for him to come back.  He is in a place now where he is perfect and knows no pain or fear and it would be wrong and selfish to want him back on the earth after he has experienced the glory of God’s presence.  A friend gave me a book titled “Room of Marvels” in which the main character expresses a similar sentiment so I know it is a common idea.

Without Christ in our lives I am not sure how we would deal with what has happened but because we do believe we have the comfort of knowing that Adam is with our Savior and that God has plans for us to get through this time.  We have been blessed with amazing friends who have prayed for us and done so much to help us which makes us feel loved.  We have each other which is so comforting.  My daughter has been an amazing pillar of strength for both me and my wife and has expressed such immense love for Adam it is like he is with us every day.

I know the pain of losing Adam will never leave my soul but I am confident that the Lord will bring hope into our lives and that the future holds amazing things for us.  We have been blessed to have Adam in our lives and with the friendships and love we continue to experience I know the Lord continues to minister to us in our grief and will bring us through this experience stronger and full of love for his creations here and in the next world.

It is only natural to wonder when you experience a tragedy like losing a child  what you did to deserve such a loss.  Unfortunately due to the fact that we are humans there are numerous things I can find in my life that I have done wrong.  It can be a brutal exercise to go through the inventory of the mistakes you have made and wonder if these shortcomings lead either directly or indirectly to the loss.  We have mega pastors preaching that if you live a righteous life that God will reward you with prosperity here on earth so it is reasonable to assume when bad things happen that you must have done something to cause it.

To be clear I am an extremely flawed person.  I don’t always follow God’s instructions and try and take things in my own hands.  I am judgmental and lack compassion for my fellow man.  I can be prideful and arrogant.  Sometimes I lack faith in God.  I do not spend my time in productive ways and do not take care of myself in a way God wants physically.  All of these things flash through my mind each day as I wonder if my shortcomings and failings caused Adam to take his life or if this is some sort of punishment by God because of how I have failed as a human being.

Scripture is very clear on this topic.  God made us and he understands we are broken.  That is why he sent his Son to take away our sins since he knew we would never to be able to overcome them on our own. I am reading a bible study that takes you through the entire bible in a year.  Ironically it just took me through Job.  While I am not comparing myself to Job the subject is very relevant.  God makes it clear that suffering  and tragedy are not related to our character or actions.  Everyone in the book assumes Job is being punished for his shortcomings and God lets them all know emphatically that this is not the case.

Sin can lead to suffering but it is more the result from doing the wrong things and suffering the consequences versus some sort of divine punishment.  I am suffering for my sins but that has little or nothing to do with what happened to Adam.  I pray God will forgive me and give me the strength to overcome my shortcomings and I ask for the courage to let Jesus into my heart to overcome my worldly ways.  I know Adam is now in Heaven with God and pulling for me so I don’t want to let him down.

There was a story about a princess of  Troy named Cassandra that angered the gods.  Her gift/curse was that she could see the future but no one would believe her when she told them what would happen.  It was a gift that would bring frustration and despair.  Sometimes as I look back over my time with Adam I feel like there was a voice inside me that had that same gift/curse. If I only would have listened or believed that voice maybe things would have turned out differently.

I can specifically recall thinking only a few days before this happened that I was blessed with a 15 year old son who actually wanted to spend time with me and that if I didn’t take advantage of this fact I would regret it.  By the time my daughter reached this age she wanted very little to do with me so I was acutely aware that this was an opportunity I was potentially missing. Edit: My daughter has requested I make note that she no longer feels this way and has been won over by my charm and wisdom. Unfortunately for me and perhaps Adam I did not act quickly enough on this thought.  As I reflect on our time together I tend to fixate on all the things we didn’t follow through on.  I look at all the sporting equipment and camping gear and my heart aches at the lost opportunities where I failed to engage with him and chose to do other things always thinking we would have time later.

I attended a book study with some guys from Austin Christian Fellowship.  They were finishing up on the last chapter of a book from Joyce Meyer titled How to Hear from God.  I was struck by a quote from the book, “Wisdom is doing now what you are going to be happy with later on.”  I always thought I was pretty wise but based on this definition I feel like a fool.

I know there is nothing I can do to change my life with Adam. I also know that my mind is probably fixated on the things we didn’t do rather than the things we did.  But I can promise you I would definitely not be feeling regret today over spending too much time with my son versus less.  I just keep going over the lost opportunities where I procrastinated because I was too tired or too busy or distracted by other things that now seem meaningless.  All I can say is listen to that voice in your head and you won’t be sorry.  I am going to make sure to honor my son by not repeating that mistake going forward.  There is nothing worse than knowing what to do and not doing it.  That may be worse than the curse Cassandra bore.