Month: January 2017

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram then you know that most of my posts are dominated by the antics of our dogs.  I often wonder how Adam could have left behind his loving pets from whom he derived so much joy.  I think it is another illustration  of where he was at mentally when he made his decision.  These dogs have been such a comfort to us.  They are incredibly empathetic and I know they miss Adam like we do.  This is actually a picture from Ashley’s room where they spontaneously climbed up on her bed and laid on two items Ashley keeps from Adam’s room.

It may seem strange but I do sense God’s presence through these animals and often consider them a gift from him.  I start to wonder about their ability to be with us  when we pass on to Heaven.  I can’t imagine Heaven being Heaven without my dogs and interestingly enough apparently I am not the only one who has thought about this.  I came upon a chapter in C.S. Lewis’ The Problem of Pain titled Animal Pain where he discusses the possibility of our tame pets achieving immortality through their association with us.  Specifically,he writes” “Supposing as I do that the personality of the tame animal  is largely the gift of man-that their mere sentience is reborn to soulhood in us as our mere soulhood is reborn to spirituality in Christ- I naturally suppose that very few animals in their wild state attain to a self or ego.  But if any of them do, and if it is agreeable to the goodness of God that they should live again, their immortality would also be related to man..”  Much like Lewis I believe our animals are a part of us and that as we were tasked at the beginning as their overseer it will be so again in Heaven.

I take comfort that Adam is with my dogs that preceded him.  Bailey was alive for most of Adam’s life and I am sure she greeted him with a lick when he went to be with our Savior and that they now spend time throwing frisbees and waiting for us. When these two precious dogs and Buddy our other sheltie leave this world they will find Adam eagerly waiting to embrace them.

Several years ago some friends from our church lost their son to suicide.  He was a couple of years older than our oldest daughter Ashley and she knew him a little from school.  They had been in a small group with us for about a year but the group had ended so our contact was mainly nodding to each other at church.  The mother had also been in Stephen Ministry with me so I would see her weekly at the meetings.  We were all deeply affected by his passing.  Like Adam he was very well liked and seemed to have enormous potential for an amazing life.  I participated with the other Stephen Ministers (A Peer Counseling Group) to help the congregation deal with this terrible loss.  I spoke to the family a couple of times but honestly I didn’t know what to say and was afraid of saying the wrong thing even though I had received extensive training on grief counseling.  I am ashamed to say we just didn’t offer them much comfort at the time. I just didn’t know what to do to help them.

When Adam took his life this husband and wife were one of the first to show up on our door.  I find this an amazing testament to them and to God who knew exactly what we needed and when.  They have been a great source of comfort to us and have even gone so far as to take over hosting responsibilities for our foreign exchange student. The father expressed to me that during this process I would be surprised about who was really good at providing comfort and who wasn’t.  At the time I found this to be a curious comment but now I understand.

Some of those closest to us remain silent and removed while people I regarded as acquaintances have stepped in and made a concerted effort to stay in contact and to encourage us in our recovery from our loss.  I now look back at my lack of engagement with this family and I understand what those around us feel.  They don’t know what to say and don’t want to cause us further pain so they avoid contact.

When this first happened we were overwhelmed with people reaching out and providing meals and coming to visit.  Now it has dwindled down to a few stalwarts.  Life goes on and most people have resumed their normal life and this is perfectly understandable.  But I now know what this other family knew.  There is nothing anyone can say that will make us feel any worse than we do and we certainly appreciate the efforts and words of encouragement when they come.  Texts, phone calls, emails, cards any type of gesture is received with gratitude.  I wish I had known this so that I could have been a better friend.  Now I do and I will.

It is tempting to go back to happier times and trace how we ended up here and maybe in time that is what I will do. However for now I think we will start at the memorial service for Adam so that I can capture my thoughts at the time and the amazing tribute to Adam’s short but impactful life. The ceremony was at a church here in Austin called Hill Country Bible.  My daughter tells me there were about 400 people in attendance but I don’t know for sure.  It was a diverse group from his school and church and many of our friends and my daughter’s.  God spoke through us and used us to express the meaning and impact of Adam’s life.  His friends and some teachers spoke and the Pastor for the ceremony was his youth Pastor at the church.  Here is a link to the service if you would like to see it.  https://vimeo.com/189843812 ,  the password is adam.  I also wanted to capture my remarks from the ceremony here.  This is the speech I wrote with God’s help shortly after Adam left this world.

I think it is somewhat ironic that on the day my son decided to take his life that we were planning on hosting a meeting with some of Adam’s friends to discuss Christian Manhood.  The plan was to meet monthly from now until these boys graduated from high school and went off to college.  Adam was very excited about this meeting and had mentioned it to me several times so I know he was looking forward to it.  I have to admit I was pretty nervous about what I was going to say.  I had found a book called The Road to Character I wanted to read with the boys but I wasn’t ready yet to start that.  Then I remembered a poem I had read in high school called “If” by Rudyard Kipling.  I thought this would be a great way to kick things off so I was planning on printing a copy before our meeting and then reading it to the boys and discussing.  That wasn’t meant to be.  I found Adam that night before the meeting and we never got the chance.

I do not know what the future holds.  I hope I get the chance to be involved in these boys lives.  Their friendship with Adam means the world to me and with his passing they feel like my children too.  I felt it was important that I share this poem especially since I have learned that Rudyard Kipling , a famous writer from England who wrote stories like “Jungle Book” had suffered losses as a father that impacted his writings.  This poem I am sharing was written from a father to a son.

 

I would like to share this with Adams’ friends as I was planning to do the night he died.

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

 

Much like the name of the poem I have ifs in my mind about what happened with my son.

If only I had been a better father

If had spent more time with him

If I had prayed with him more

If I had been a better Christian

If I had told him I loved him more

If I had taken more interest in his life

Then maybe this would not have happened.  I am certain there are people here who feel the same way.  But please understand that there is no way we will ever know why this happened until we are with the Lord and then it won’t matter. I actually found a paper that Adam wrote that I think comes as close as we can get to comprehending what he was going through.  In Adam’s own amazing words “”Mental suffering involves feelings including fright, anxiety, stress, and depression.  These are feelings that are inevitable at one point or another in life.  Mental suffering can not only cloud minds of reason and rational thought but can stop the individuals who suffer with these symptoms from seeing the glory of God’s teachings.”

Obviously Adam was suffering and his act was not rational.  Anyone who knew Adam recognized how special and caring he was.  He was a pure spirit filled with unconditional love for others.  This made him vulnerable to the pain and meanness of this world.  He would never want to cause others harm or pain but ironically it was this special nature that led to him causing us all the ultimate pain.  Please forgive him for this as I have because we know as he said in his writings the pain made him incapable of fully grasping how loved he was and what his exit from this physical world would do to us all.

I now understand thanks to Adam that I was focused on the wrong things, status, wealth, popularity and in my love for Adam I wanted him to have these things too.  I will never see the world the same way again and my hope is that you never will either.  Adam is now with our Savior and he is perfect and free of pain and he would want us to remember him by treating others as he did.  If you wanted to be Adam’s friend he was yours and if you were Adam’s friend you are mine.  I will live the rest of my life facing the Lord and looking forward to the day when Adam and I will be reunited with Christ.  I take great comfort in this.

My wife Anne, my daughter Ashley and myself have been amazed with the outpouring of love since Adam’s death.  People we have not seen for years have come to our house and prayed with us and shared in our grief.  I have a new respect for God’s creation, man and am heartened by the love and kindness we have experienced.  My love for my wife, daughter and son has never been stronger and my love for the Lord is overflowing.  We want to thank you all and it is our fervent hope that you have been touched by our son and will live your lives differently now and love each other like he loved you.

It is hard to fathom that I enter into 2017 without my son.  I would never have imagined this scenario yet on October 20th of 2016 Adam my 15 year old son chose to leave this world and us.  I understand that his mind was clouded with dark thoughts that impaired his judgement but it doesn’t change the fact that I miss him terribly and cannot understand how this could come to pass.  I have wrestled with guilt and regrets since he left and know that there is really no point in entertaining these thoughts except to ensure in the future that my perspective and priorities are directed to the people in my life versus external considerations like career and material possessions.  This site is dedicated to my son and his memory and my attempt to reconcile life without him in this world.